John

My sexuality - 18 Rated
2002-03-11 22:24:36 (UTC)

My background

Some background:

I grew up in the North of England and when my parents split
I eventually lived with my mother from about the age of
12. I was a relatively clever kid but after my first year
at comprehensive I went downhill. I guess I didn't fit in
very well and it was
a breath of fresh air when I decided not to go on to
further education at 16 but to start work. Work went very
well. I was treated like a human being and I had the
independence I needed. My mother and I still fought like
cat and dog and at 21 I bought a flat. Work over the last
18 years has gone well and I've been with my wife for
nearly 8 years now.

Physically my wife is quite over-weight, a problem we are
making slow, steady progress with, but she is a lovely
person. She is my best friend and my soulmate.
Unfortunately there some things I just can't talk to her
about. If it was someone at work who had the 'problems'
she would be great with them, she may even be with me if
she ever finds out. Hopefully, I'll be able to suppress my
feelings, sort them out or sufficiently hide them so she
never has to.

As for my sexuality I've never been tremendously attractive
to the opposite sex. I have had attractive work colleagues
but it is obvious that there is no sexual chemistry. As a
young kid, somewhere between 8-10, I found an old briefcase
in my parents' wardrobe. Inside was a lot of men's
magazines and I found them very interesting. The items I
remember mostly was a set of photographs which showed real
close-up shots of two guys and a woman engaging in three-
some sex. Their genitalia were all fully shaven and the
photos left nothing to the imagination. These and the rest
of the collection was the subject of my first
masturbation. I obviously didn't have access to the
material when I moved in with my mum, my brother stayed
with my dad, but what I do remember is some of my mother's
books. I remember reading Fanny by Erica Jong from cover
to cover. There were others but one scene from one of the
books sticks in my memory. It was at a large party and in
culminated in a woman lying on the table and a large dog
went up and shagged her. Christ, this was my mother and
the books were hard-backs for all to see on her bookcase.
Is this why 'variant' sex seems so exciting to me. Those
books made me think that society totally accepts that kind
of behaviour.

Girlfriends ¡V well the ones I had at school were that in
name only. Probably due to my lack of 'coolness', but
maybe something else, the experiences didn't do my
confidence any good whatsoever. The major breakthrough for
me was when I was 18. I was introduced to an attractive
hard-of-hearing girl and we went out for nearly six
months. I fell in love and also lost my virginity. The
highlight was when I told my mother I was going to stay
with Sharon's parents one weekend, she told her's the
opposite and we spent the weekend in a very romantic
location in the Yorkshire dales. It was perfect. The low
point was when she went with a group to Holland for the
weekend. She came back and someone had put it in her head
that she was too young for such a steady relationship. I'm
hindsight I'm sure she was right. She was very attractive
and I've always been steady but it broke my heart. I was
an emotional wreck for several weeks

I didn't have much in the way of girlfriends for a while, a
couple of dates, a one-night shag and a couple of paid for
shags (Amsterdam and London). I found them all bar some of
the dates most unfulfilling. At age 23 or so I met my next
girlfriend. She had recently split with her last boyfriend
and not long after she ended up moving in with me. She was
about 19 I think but I can't really remember. She was
quite attractive, although she layered her make-up a bit.
Sexually things were pretty good. As with all new
girlfriends they are pretty enthusiastic to begin with.
After about 21 months together we split up. I think we
became friends more than anything and the love
disappeared. Emotionally I was her crutch to lean on and
there were never really any serious thoughts of marriage.

After some more drunken encounters (alcohol settles the
nerves doesn't it) I met my wife. We are great support for
one another. We have the same interests and we are
fabulous friends. The sex was exceptional to begin with
and she knows how to get my cock as hard as a rock.
However sex, as I guess it does with a lot of married
women, diminishes in importance. We don't make love every
week. Sometimes maybe it'll be 2 or 3 times in a week,
much more likely 0 or 1 (Sunday nights ļ). It is very
rare that I get a blowjob any more and she's definitely
stopped fingering round my anus. In fairness she does get
me very hard, something I can have a problem with, usually
by lightly teasing my nipples or cock. My erection
problems are usually associated with insertion. I either
lose my erection or I ejaculate too soon. I say ejaculate
too soon but despite my protestations my wife insists on
doing the things that turn me on the most and it's no
surprise. The other big problem we have is that my wife is
incredibly ticklish and it's far too easy to ruin a mood by
touching her. There's little rhyme or reason to it and
it's pretty annoying. I've suggested hypnotherapy or
acupuncture but she's too laid back.

So to where I am now. Wondering if I have an erection
problem, wondering if I'll ever have a truly horny
experience like in my mother's books, wondering if I'm
really gay (don't think so, just think that getting sex
with blokes is easier), wondering if my marriage will ever
be ruined by any of this.

I hope this gives you some background on who I am. I
really would appreciate your thoughts.