OneGurlArmy

love and sex and miss-matched socks
2002-03-11 17:07:51 (UTC)

more poems?

vulnerable isn't what comes
to mind when the tides are grey
and the clouds are navy
and you are staring
into me all green but not
jealous instead alive
and calmed

not vulnerable but
anything but strong
is what you are because you are
the one who comes back
to hold on and take me
for your own
survival.

~~~~~~~~~~~

i bake you in a cake
of sorrow and open
wounds that kiss me with
salamander tongue;
amphibian saliva
is red like blood in my dreams
and i clench you in like a muscle
tense with anger.
your closeness is murder
to my lips and my teeth
grind to catch you
in a twenty
minute battle of wills.

my will
is like yours with ether
eyes in a coma
ears that just don't care
to listen
you glisten
with sweat and frustration.
your joy is my opium
patchouli in the nostrils
disgust like distrust
fingers and bones
combine in a eulogy
of what isn't.

blood is sacrilidge
seven days out of twenty
and sweat is tears
of skin
every day
excercize against me
push me down and i'll give in
never
to your callous
being.

~~~~~~~~

he massacres me
night by night
not with fingernails
nor guns nor knives
nor even those
designed as words
to cut and tear
flesh from flesh
from bone from me
away from him and
still somehow

i miss him
even when he's
here.

~~~~~

when we used to look into each other's eyes
it was as though our souls could see each other
but now i look into your eyes and i am shut out
and that is what hurts more than anything:
looking into your eyes
and not finding you.

~~~~~~~

i long to be sentimental
and use words like "beautiful" and phrases
like "i long to be" with an adjective
anteceding
all the time.

and i'd like to appreciate foliage
in all its look-at-me frivolity.
i want
to want
to play in the rain.

~~~~~~~~~

you pull me in and blow me out
like a tidal
sigh; a shrug of i-don't-care
much about
whatever youmethisall combines
inside. a subject not to talk
about.
a sickening split, a bond apart
together stuck with oatmeal glue.
a look, a nuance, a battery of love
cast me away
with all doubt.

we slip with the moon.
a menstrual flow of decision
making
giving, taking
tug of war agony
the imaginary spiderweb ropes between us
breaking.
they snap with a thud of youme falling
as your eyes wind me with pity
from afar.
and my bones are
shaking.

you dissolve my world
like an alka-seltzer tablet in acid
your salt water sympathy
tongues me flaccid
with regret
i lie
down in my sand
passive
knowing you'll suck me
close again
the wait rapes me
rancid.

you approach, your footsteps
crushing the beach like
me
you lift my body
deftly, quickly, gent
ly
pulling us together again
gluing with martyr; i grasp you close.
gripping-dependent-fear
i revel the you and the you
in me
and the cycle climbs again
we drift in and out
saline and drowning
moody; like sea.

~~~~~~~~~

I.
i was born bad
ly scarred with intentions
of perfection--
five fingers for two hands
five toes for two feet
two silent eyes and and one mouth
meant never to utter
a word to the wise
or the innocent
or at all

i was born negative and bizarre
small but loud
precious precocious breakable
fury in a bundle
of premature flesh
swaddled in a candy blanket
of pink good girl
goodness.


II.
sin number one was a lie
tiny and a purple shade of gray
a tale really, or a yarn
maybe a string
tying me to anything
worth telling
a double knot of story
book typical
path o logical insanity.

until i was seven
or eight,
sin number one duplicated itself
procreating with the zeal of a rapist
it fcked itself raw
miscarried an idea or two.
it made them hate me.
i made them hate me.


III.
jealousy is pervasive
like vodka
persuasive
bitter and anaseptic;
it leaves me beckoning for less.
a hideous fool
dizzy with mistake
n identity and craving
"anything but this.

make me someone
else"
is a chant for a lemming.
i too would have jumped off a cliff
if it meant the end of me
and the beginning of me
as someone else
with something else
i just didn't need.


IV.
wrath painted me eggplant
with scratch and bite.
i would have done anything
to hurt anyone. knife in mind
thought in hand
i was dangerous
ly inactive and afraid.

my world was bloody
with carcasses of destruction
or i wished it were.
my eye was evil
and murderers never prosper
so i stared in a mirror
and pretended
hardly attempted
suicide
would forgive me all my sins.

and was i lying.


V.
i have lusted greatly
and falsely.

i kissed the ones i could never love.
i loved the ones i could never kiss.

and i didn't care
about the difference.

saliva of the apathetic
tastes like a sour mistake
flavorless bubble gum tongues
in all the wrong places
and now:
i imagine them all the same
an assembly line of desireless
boys i barely like. and the ones
i care about could be loveless
as well.

and i am so afraid.


VI.
my greatest vice is hypocricy:
in the light i am pink cotton candy
in the dark i am naked and bleeding
the satanic stigmata of self-hatred.

i condemn
what i do.
i don't condemn
myself
i only condemn
you.

and i make excuses
and relevant commentary
and promises i won't keep
and guilt i don't mean
and my conscience
laughs all night.


VII.
confession is a sin in
its own way.
naked like a stripper
peircing like a needle
with heroin.
but i don't pass judgment.

i try hard to care
i was almost sorry
once. perfection is a goal
worth attaining.

but badness--
it tastes like chocolate
and absinthe.
and evil is an ether:
perhaps flammable

and apologetic in a toxic way.

~~~~~~~

i probably shouldnt copy all these poems in this diary. I
am sure most are mine but some im afraid are not.
well this is it for today.
I am going to run a little. maybe try to get josh off my
mind. nothing seems to work.
so after a little exercise i will head to work. fun fun
fun. it should help me.





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