Lements of Madness and Depression
2002-03-11 13:09:54 (UTC)

people need to grow up..... im tryin

well i have been more into kelsey recently...obviously
things have been pretty good for that sake i have something
that is important to me that isnt dragging me downi met
someone on a yahoo chat server the other day who is awsome
she is probly the best support ive had in a while she knows
all the right things to say she knew me before i talked to
her kinda senario's but she didnt at least i dont think so
but its really cool she boost my self esteem she keeps
trying to make me ask kellsey out but i dont think i can i
want to but i think that is far from something i can do
right now idont know only time will tell. oh yeah by the
way her name is krystal ive known her for three days woo
but whatever. im glad kelsey talks to me at all and i
actully told her how i feel not like hinting around not
trying to get her to figure out i just strait out told her.
i was in shock after the fact but of coarse i didnt know
what to do cause i never thought i would have the gall to
do it but im glad i was honest with her i always have
wanted to say what i have said now ile see what happens i
guess. i hope i dont loose her we got close before but she
ended up pushing me away and it hurt. i tried not to let it
hurt me so much but it did. i tried to replace that pain
with other things and one was shannon my second girlfriend
but thats when me and kelsey were kinda talking but not.
then my obsession with philicia well that was more of an
obsession obviously but it eventually came up to the fact
that philicia dosent know what she wants,wait no i know
what she wants she wants everything and she dosent know
what to do cause she cant have it all. at one point and
time she was everything that mattered to me but she abused
it alot. she still dosent know if she wants billy or me and
i feel bad for her i really do but she cant have me. if i
were to even concider being with her things have to change
she has to choose what she wants and be able to prove that
it is that important to her. she needs to show me that she
can truely be unselfish that she has seen thru everything
in her heart that she cant love another and then maybe she
has her chance. but i know it wont happen she cant not want
something else she still has a fucking crush on her first
boyfriend she wont get rid of the thought of him and i find
that hard to trust in a relationship kind of way. i want to
be her friend still cause i still care for her alot dont
get me wrong i am anoyed at some of the things she's done
but there's no way in hell i can shun her.
ive been wrighting alot more recently so i can write more
if ya cant tell. hmm i know there's more to write about but
what to write.
i know i need to prove why i like kelsey to myself if not
for my loving readers *shakes head*(that was so very
stupid) she has always been so very important to me. she's
smart, she's stubborn which i completely understand cause i
am when i wanna be, she's obviously beautiful, she's a
writer or she was but i know she still is she's a really
good wrighter i would love to steal er work from her
instead of her destroying it (which makes me really sad), i
enjoy being with her alot if i could and if she would alow
it i would hold her untill i had no controll over my body
just to feel her with me untill i cant feel theres no eas
way to say that i would just love to hold her not as a
child but as someone loved.*sigh* im very sentimental like
that but its just cause im weird. im constantly thinking
about her random things wil bring her into my mind but
she's constantly there just the thought of her makes me
happy... ok now i think im sounding dumb so imma stop that.

the reason i called this people need to grow up... im tryin
is because ive been thinking alot about the way ive been
living my life the way i think. ive been so pesimistic like
nothings going to work out i hate life all that crap and
how it got me no where. ok well i still hate life but i
have goals now. i have to stop being so sad and depressy i
cant stand being with myself like that i needed to make a
change in the way i looked on life. i had to stop being so
down on myself. self pitty gets you nowhere and thats where
i was so i decided to grow up alittle i got rid of old toys
i got rid of the childhood that i hated anyways got rid of
the useless trinkets i orginized my stuff lol i cleaned my
room to make room in my head i got rid of old burdens and
tried to start on life a whole new way i quit smoking about
a month and a half ago im sad i picked the habbit back up
again but im dealing now. of coarse im not perfect since
every once and a while i still smoke ive cut it down alot.
so im trying to move on with my life and for now my heart
is for kelsey it is hers to do what she will untill she
moves on then i go somewhre else but she's all that matters
to me now. who knows she could be the one ive wanted all my
life but who am i to say. ive stopped fearing the futre
since i know i cant change it and the fear is only
hindering my chances for a life. so goodbye angst i wont
miss you.

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