2002-03-11 10:35:25 (UTC)

2:00 AM

It is two in the morning and I am still up. I am up because
I can't sleep but also because I dont want to sleep. There
has been so many things going through my mind in the past
little bit. I mean I started school again and already I
just dont want to go and I avoid it as much as possible. I
am doomed to become a fucking nothing. I am worried about
my ultrasound and how everything is going to turn out. I
mean I know there is something wrong but I just want it
fixed and done with. Then I have also been thinking about
getting help. I mean I am not depressed right now, but they
say it is better to seek help when you feel better, then
when you feel helpless and like you want to die. I guess in
a way I just want to forget it and pretend like nothing

I have no friends. I have a girlfriend who I love more than
anything I have ever known, but you know I have not one
single friend. It is actaully making me very...upset? I
mean I have ALWAYS had friends, no matter where I have
lived I have always had friends in town. Now I have Krystal
as a friend and she lives in Alberta. She is the
only "friend", maybe Lindsay too, and then I have Justene
as my girlfriend. I hate it. I mean I just want to leave
and make friends again. Moving here was a mistake. I mean I
am glad that I met Justene and all, but if I had the chance
I would take it back. Not because of her, I mean I would
hope that somehow I would be able to meet her in a
different way, but if I could take back moving I would do
it in a second. It wasn't good for grams, it wasn't good
for me, and I started to loose everything I thought I once
had, like friends. I used to be a God damn social butterfly
and now I don't even have friends to talk to on the phone.
I love being with Justene, but I wish that I also had some
ppl to hang out with when I am not with her. So I know that
when the phone rings it is not going to be her all of the
time. I love the "no surprise" kind of thing, but at the
same time I hate it.

It is my birthday in a week and a half. Last year I had a
party at Bosten Pizza, lots of friends, even Mosher showed
up. This year I will be camping with Justene in Parksville.
I mean I love the idea, but I am turning 18. It used to be
a big deal, I mean in Alberta I was finally legally allowed
to drink, here, it means nothing. That is what I feel like
this birthday has become, nothing. Justene will say happy
birthday while we are out there, she is supposed to take me
out for super and that is it. I mean what happened to all
of the excitement in my life? What happened to me?

I feel like I am loosing who I am. I am loosing all of the
things I was so known for. I mean me and Lindsay used to go
watch movies almost every Friday night, now I go to
Justene's. I used to do things that would make ppl laugh,
now I don't even have ppl to make laugh. I used to be known
for being there for my friends when they needed me, now I
try to brush them off whenever I can and now I don't even
have any friends anymore. I lost me.

I lost everything........

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