GreyWanderer

Diary of Stuff (Volume I)
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2002-03-11 06:01:45 (UTC)

Resolution....

More childishness, so be forewarned... (anything to do
with 'feelings' I will attribute it to being childish...)

I can't help but feel powerless in my struggle to regain my
balance that I once had a few years ago. When I quit my
job working with engineers and physicists, I breathed a
sigh of relief, because those guys know how to play, and
play fast, and even though I was there for almost 4 years,
I had enough of the breakneck pace that they worked at and
looked forward to jumping out into new waters...into my
next job working with information and computer systems
analysts... These guys were pretty smart, and the job was
okay for about a year, but then all of a sudden, I just
completely and utterly lost interest in it--I wanted to go
back to doing scientific programming on Unix machines and
mix and match raw data and run shell (batch) programs on
huge numbers of images using image processing routines that
I wrote... I wanted to again feel the power that I had
used so long ago in mastering all that came before me...
It is nothing short of ecstacy to completely wield such raw
power and have it used so masterfully.

But, along the way, I realized that maybe going back wasn't
a real good idea...why? Because I would just be going back
to do what I had already done before...and that wasn't
something that I wanted to do. I had to do something that
I had never done before, constantly challenging myself,
open myself up to new experiences, vistas, see new things,
get new perspectives, challenge my thinking, turn my world
upside down... This is what I have accomplished to some
degree, but it almost seems so wantonly destructive...

When I was around 20, I swear to you, I saw the limits of my
own mortality. By that age, I had already seen some of the
world, and experienced joy, excitement, humility, sadness,
anger, resolution, acceptance... My life felt completed at
that time, but I knew that I had to go out and make a name
for myself...go to college, get a good job, save some
money, maybe get married, maybe have kids, and then live,
and then retire... By age 28, I was married, had kids, had
money, and had an excellent future...what could go wrong?
Nothing, and I believed it, so I started thinking about
what I would do next...go to grad school, in some other
field, and start a new challenging career all over
again... I tell you, I was NOT ready for what happened
next, and felt completely like a FRICKEN IDIOT for what
happened to me... I was mad, Lord was I mad, it felt like
a coup had taken place and my name, rank, and title was
yanked out from under me and I was exiled to sit among the
idiot many in their feces-infested houses of squalor. I
know there are those who get by with the slightest of their
meager earnings, and yet they live a full rich life, but it
wasn't my life that I had wanted to live. I wanted what I
wanted. To get even, I would think of all the bad things
that I could imagine happening to those who deposed me, and
wished it with all my being...! I held god-like powers in
my mind, you know, and thought rightly to use them!!

I am now somewhat consoled, but maybe not rightly so, but
from the way some people treat you, maybe it is rightly so,
that their ******* taxes are paying my bills, HA HA...
Since we have kids, and I had them before mind you (they
knew about it), they are covered cost-free medically, and
so are we, for that matter, I just keep forgetting since I
never ever go to the doctor for anything (cuz I'm a tough
mother******, hehe, lol). And boy do we use it any time we
have to... There are many other benefits for needy
families also, but you have to find them, cuz no one is
going to tell you...! My mother came over and complained
bitterly that after all the hard work her and her husband
did this past year, they were only going to get a measly
$150 back in taxes. Compared with us, since we had kids,
and my poor excuse for a job that didn't make any income
records, I got back a refund in the thousands.

So yeah, I am somewhat joyfully playing this quiet little
game, and seeing how long I can make it
last, because it shore is comfortable living, the living
that we do now. I have a job that requires me to do one
thing, and one thing only, and after that, I get to leave
to go to home, and do whatever the hell I want, and leave
the rest of the responsibilities to those who already have
it. And I don't have to prepare to go to work either, just
show up, and try to stay awake, and maybe sometimes work
fast (just for the ******* hell of it, lol). But it's
honest work, lol. Ha ha, this is all very funny. We live
in a great area, and have been here for almost 20 years,
and other people love it as well... Maybe I should spend
some time reconnecting with this area and going back
through some of my memories? We'll see,
lol.................

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