Thoughts of Bunny Fu Fu
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2002-03-11 05:19:13 (UTC)

A different kind of Love

He's such a wonderful guy. He makes me laugh and smile. He
teaches me so much without making me feel like a total
looser about computers. We have in debth conversations
about Relgion and everything else. This isn't my boyfriend
we're talking about.

This is Evan.

I just want to comfort him and to help him. I want to give
him a great big hug. I want to beat the shit out of his
father and ask him how he likes it. I want to verbally
abuse him for years and years until he believes every foul
word I say about him and see how he likes it. I want to
yell at his mother for not setting things right and
sending her husbands sorry ass to jail.

I want to be there for him. I want to be there to hug him.
I want to be there to wipe his tears away gently and to
softly tell him that things will get better as time
progresses. Time heals all wounds.

I hold my breath "I love you Laura"
I pause wishing it was the kind of love I know in my heart
I yearn for. "I love you too Evan" In a different way.

I love him as a friend. I love him as more.. but there
will probably never be more between us. No matter how hard
I wish.

If Steve could just disappear.... silly me... I'd miss
him. But if he disappeared without me having to hurt
him... without all the pain and sorrow.... I'd be with
Evan. I know I would. I see now... that it's silly for me
to be ashamed of that thought. I see that I can't repress
it and deny it. I know not to tell anyone though.

I love Steve... I do. I just... feel so strongly for Evan.
Maybe it's because I want what I can't have. If I think
about it... and Jane and I talked about this... what would
it be like to be with Evan? The downfalls...

His father did some SERIOUS damage and he would hate
himself. He would blame himself for anything that went
wrong in the relationship. He would be very cuddly (which
is a plus) He would cry... hm good and bad to that. He has
self esteem issues from his father that would have to be
worked on for a relationship to grow. In a relationship...
I find that low self esteem tends to cause problems.
ex. "I hate myself" "but I love you" "why do you love me?
I'm shit" "... you're wonderful you make me smile and
laugh. etc etc" "I hate myself"

I love him... and I can feel that I always... always will
carry this love and it can only grow stronger as time

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