Yellow Angel

Larmes d'un ange
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2001-05-11 02:58:45 (UTC)

May 10, 2001 #2

What an awful concert that was today...it just was not
good...like it was sssssooooooooooo boring and it gave me
such a headache. All I want to do right now is go drink.
That is all that is on my mind. Today was a very weird
day. So it's not jsut that the concert wasn't good that I
want to drink. It's just so much stuff is going on and I
just want to forget about stuff for a while. My great
grandmother is going to die soon. She's in her 90's so I
mean I knew she was going to but she called my mom today
and was like Cyndi you have to come get me. So my mom went
and picked her up and she knew who my mom was but she
didn't know anything else, not even who she was herself.
She saw me and goes, that girl has a sunburn and my mom was
like yeah, taryn is always getting burnt and she was like
who's taryn? and why is that girl at your house? Yeah, I
know she is old and I know she has alzheimers but it still
upset me to see her like that...it's weird to see her like
that...No one close to me has ever been like that
before...Like, I mean my Uncle John was before he died, but
I only saw him for 2 weeks out of every summer and yeah,
that was really sad too, but this is soo much worse. I
don't know what I'm going to do when she dies...I'm jsut
not very good with death at all...I mean most people aren't
but I can't even walk into the funeral home for the
wake...It takes like 20 minutes standing at the door before
I can go in. I just don't know...I don't want to think
about it but it is all that's on my mind lately. She had a
stroke the other day, I really don't think she is going to
be here very much longer. I don't know, I can't talk about
this anymore. I'll start crying.


I hate this whole little front that I've been putting on
lately, but I'm going to continue to do it. I hate when
people are asking me if I'm all right and what's wrong, and
then when i finally tell them they sit there and talk
behind my back that all i do is complain..it's so dumb, so
I am jsut going to put on this I'm happy front and jsut act
wicked hyper all the time. It's the easiest thing to do.
I don't know how long I can keep up the act but I'm going
to try. I have to. I have this quote in my room that says
if you fake cheerfulness long enough you will eventually
become happy...maybe it will work for me. I doubt it but
whatever, I can always hope. I don't know.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I'm so bitchy to
everyone. I just give like this huge attitude to everyone. Like I
put on this happy front yet I flip out at them at the same time. If
I don't put on the front, I jsut get this attitude that's like yeah,
you hate me. They probably all do hate me, but whatever. It doesn't
matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Things will be over
soon...nothing matters...

nothing at all...that's what i am...nothing at all...my existance is
completely unimportant...nothing...nothing...


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