i_bleed_life

Boring, horrible, brain-dead teenage venting

No worries? Yeah, I wish. Ya know, usually I am a
completely laid-back person...except now, I just need to vent a
little.

So anyway, I'll get on to my whole purpose for bitching and
moaning here. I went to a kickback type of deal that my
friend had at some house he was watching. And of course, I
got drunk off my ass. Everyone's having fun (or
at least it looks that way to drunken me) and then my one very drunk
friend leaves and goes on a walk, and my other friend Lindsay flips
out, so I went and followed him. So we're walking around this
neighborhood, and for once in my life, I am more drunk than
he is. Crazy stuff. Usually it's me who's the drunk one,
and he's driving and semi-sober. But anyway, we're walking
and walking. With each step I am getting more and more
drunk. Somehow we ended up making out while drunk once again. Good
times. I remember sitting there, and thinking "wow, I really
shouldn't be doing this" and my next thought was "wait, why
shouldn't i be doing this again??" and then my last thought was
"what am i doing??" Fantastic. And that pretty much shows how my
mind completely deteriorates when I get really drunk. Anyway, so
we're making out, which isn't unusual, because every other
time we're drunk together we end up making out. Anyway, so
I got inside, and he goes inside, and of course, i drink
more. Numbing out my thoughts. Great idea. Somehow we end
up in this bedroom, having sex. Fantastic. Sex. I should
have known I'd lose my virginity drunk out of my mind with
some guy that I can't decide if he cares about me at all,
or not. I barely remember any of it at all. We have an
incredibly strange relationship...We're awesome friends for
a while, and then all of a sudden, something will happen
(like making out in a park while completely drunk), and
boom, we don't talk for months at a time. And then out of
the blue, we'll pick up practically right where we left
off, and then hook up again...and this has happened on and
off for the past two years or something now. I think I'm
going crazy.

It's totally screwy. I mean, we used to both have a thing
for each other (and I absolutely hate using damn teenager
words and all that crap). That's when we were really close
friends, but nothing ever happened. And then we hooked up,
and things suddenly went all haywire or something, and we
stopped talking. I HATE losing friendships. Anyway, he got
his girlfriends...and I (surprise, surprse) got no one. No
wait, that's a lie, I did hook up with a few other people
in between times.

DAMN IT ALL TO HELL...I wouldn't even mind if he'd just
talk to me once in a while or something. I don't care! I
don't want a relationship!!! I dont want a fucking
boyfriend! I don't want committment!!! I just want our damn
friendship back!!

I'm sorry I screwed everything up. I'm sorry I got drunk.
I'm almost sorry I ever kissed you!!!!

I don't know...maybe I was being used, but I guess I used him as much
as he used me. But that doesn't sound right. I dont' know what to do!
I wish someone would give me some advice. What do i do?
Someone..anyone...anything.

Well, I'm going to bed now so tomorrow I can wake up and fake myself
happy for another day.