humming bird

my F***ed up head
2002-03-10 07:46:12 (UTC)

holy shit, i'm dumb as hell

what the fuck is wrong with me hoenestly someone please
tell me! i am the stupidest fuck ever... i'm not even
joking ok so last night i go to some party at karolinas
right and they had 3 kegs...all of which were gona by the
end or the night and i had to many beers and to much liquor
and i was all like drunk as shit right and so one guy was
trying to get me to go in that bathroom with him right to
mess round and the other kid was like dancing with me and
th next thing i know hes got his toungue down my throat and
i was like hey now and walked away and htis other kid kept
trying to get me to go to the bathroom to mess around wqith
im and i wouldnt do it and then i wasnt gonna go out
tonight right but then anthony called and i couldnt turn
him down and so i went and hun gout with im and i wasnt
gonna drink cuz of how bad i was last night and how i just
needed a break and then like i ended up drinking AND
smoking and like holy shit! i made out with anthony i'm so
bad it started out just us like cuddling and talking and
then he kissed me and i thought about being like u know
what i cant do this but hes just so pretty! he really is
and like i didnt stop actually i got more into it oh my god
i am such a horrible person seriously i made out with him
for like over 20 minutes holy shit thats so sad and like
last weekend jason heard i had hung out wit anthony twice
and i hadnt and he like had gotten mad about that and then
if he finds out that we even really hung out this weekend
he'll freak and he is gonna freak out super duper bad if he
hears about how me and anthony made out mad style on his
couch in his basement and how i was drunk and stoned he is
gonna kill me! ohhh damnit u have no idea no fucking idea i
know i just totally threw out the hoe of us ever getting
back together oh shit i'm dumb as hell but like the thing
is i kept thinking he was at candies and hoenstly i'm
jealous as hell of her and i dont even know what is going
on between her and jason and omg i dunno becuz coz sai d he
wasnt gonna tell anyone becuz him and jason were inda cool
and he didnt want him mad at him but i dunno if that'll
happen and holy shit omg i am so fucked... becuz jason will
get mad it he knows and he like found out from someone
else becuz he woulda rather heard it from me but he'll get
mad at me to even if i tell him just cuz i happened so
either way i'm screwed and i dunno i am just royally
screwwed....do i tell him? do i not? ugh but anthony is so
hot and he's so cool and like hes jsut so preeeeetty!!! and
i dunno that i want to totally brush him off if jason says
yeah i can forgive u bc he never found out about the thing
u know...oh shit i am sooooo fucking retarted cuz what if
he asks me if i hung out with coz and i say yes and then
what it he goes did u do anythign with him and i cant lie
about it becuz part of me now wants to get rid of jason and
keep coz but part of me is like coz may have just been a
one time thing and jason is a bit of a safety net even tho
techinically there is no stability in what lil realtionship
we have but i cant like tell him the truth becuz then it
cmes back to the i want one i want the other thing tooholly
shit if anyone can even begin to think of a plan thingy
here to help me out let me know even tho i dont need help
becuz i dont deserve help becuz i know i brought this upon
myself but i am a horrible horrible person and i couldnt
take it anymore... i had temptation just swinging in front
of me and i havent taken advantage of that for a month and
i couldt resist it anymore...but ohhh he was such a good
kisser but shit i am a horrible horrible person and i
should burn in hell forever especially since me and anthony
talked about jason before we did anything!lol but they all
think i'm like tought or something now its cool cuz like i
chug my alcohol and they all like watched me in awe and was
like wow i've never seen a girl do that before thats pretty
cool adn i guess i was acting pretty straight for how drunk
i was and how stoned i was so their impressed and hoenstly
i had sooo much fun with all these guys and like
considering it was the first time i've gotten along with
ppl i hang out with for the first time that well... i had
sooooo much fun u dont even kow all the guys were so
cool.... ahh but i just dont understnad...i could hold
myself last night but i couldnt do it tonight i was so
horny and last night i was on my period and iw asnt tonight
and i am so horribly becuz tonight part of me kept wanting
himto do more even tho he didnt but why couldnt ijust
resist it i am so fucked now..oh well i'll deal with it
when it comes and i cant ask jason fo another chance
considering the fact that well he'll kill but he knows that
there was something there with anthony he said it
hismelf...ugh but i gotta go.....later..........julz