Meshed Up
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2002-03-10 04:20:07 (UTC)

help ..... !

i cut my finger today. don't know how but i do know why.
i'm insecure.

thinking about nelson and bernice now is enough to drive me
mental. they went out last night with a group of people and
watched "queen of the damned". i really wanna watch that
movie..but it won't start showing here in melbourne until
the 4th of april...nelson's birthday.

i'm...insecure. bloody insecure. i can't possibly compete
with bernice. i mean, from what nelson's friend said, she's
pretty, she's hot and she doesn't even wear sexy clothes to
show her stuff off. nelson told me last night that she's a
very nice girl. what's more is that she's with nelson in my
home country while i am far away from him.. i'm in
melbourne. he's not. she's not. sigh. can't possibly
compete with that.. i'm scared. i'm afraid i will lose
nelson soon...

nelson's friend said that bernice has been eyeing nelson
for quite some time already. she always acts cute around
him. she even emailed nelson and told him that he has a
very cute voice over the phone. now she has his mobile
phone number. it just sucks.

i've been through this routine so many times already...
girl after girl after girl. what is it with nelson that
makes girls and guys fall in love with him anyway? when
guys chase after nelson, i find it amusing. when girls
chase after nelson, i find it irritating. perhaps
degrading. i mean, many years ago, i was one of them. one
of his girls. the bitches. and i don't wanna be one of
them. never did want to... but i was.

pretty soon, bernice will start sending text messages to
nelson..and then she'll start calling him, and then she'll
ask him to go out with her as "friends" of course, and then
she'll drop hints, and then she'll try to seduce him..until
finally she will confess her undying love to him.

i've seen this all before. i've seen it so many times from
one girl to another. it's like i'm being put through this
torture of seeing infinite reruns of a horrible movie. i
hate it. i hate feeling this way.

pretty girls undermine me. nelson told me that i don't need
to worry cuz i'm the only one he loves... but... he's a guy
too. pretty girls are guys' weaknesses. pretty girls and
sexy bodies. bernice has both. i ... have none. i only have
my mind..and my heart. guys don't go for those anymore.
they just want pretty faces. pretty bodies. pretty sex.

i can't help but feel sad. i can't help but feel insecure.
who wouldn't? nelson didn't even try to comfort me last
night even though he knew i was feeling terrible because i
knew they were together...watching the movie that i wanna
watch perhaps with him... and that this bernice girl
doesn't have parents who are as demented as mine. her
parents would probably welcome nelson with open
arms..unlike my parents who shun him because he's not as
wealthy as my father. last night, i felt like, nelson was
rubbing it in...saying that she's very nice.. he didn't
even try to comfort me. the only words that he said to make
me feel slightly better was that he loves me...that's
it...and he only said it once.

should i be contented with those words? ...i'm not...i'm
scared. god i'm scared.

i sound so damn pathetic. but i can't help it. this is a
pretty girl we're talking about..this bernice. and yes, my
appearance is what really brings me down. i hate the way i
look. that's why i can't really speak out when i'm with
beautiful people... i'm not comfortable around beautiful
people. i feel.. threatened...uncomfortable..insecure...

to hear somebody say i'm ugly is the worst insult that i
can get. i can't take it. if somebody says i'm ugly, i
break down and cry. it pierces me straight into my very soul...

i just don't understand why i was made so fucking ugly.
both of my sisters are headturners. people turn and look
when they walk by. my older sister is gorgeous. my younger
sister is cute. i don't turn heads. i didn't get any of the
good genes. i'm the worst among us sisters. people love
comparing us to each other. some say my younger sister is
the prettiest. most say it's my older sister. but me? some
say they don't even understand how i am related to them.

i not only got the ugliest face among the three of us, i
also got the ugliest attitude. i'm too proud. i go against
my parents' wishes. i don't back down whenever somebody
picks a fight with me. i hate people who look down on me. i
hate people who have the nerve to criticize others when
they don't even look at themselves. but fucking hell..i am
like them. i criticize others without looking at myself in
the mirror. i'm a hypocrite. hypocrite. i bloody hate

which is why i hate myself. i'm not good enough. not pretty
enough. not smart enough. not nice enough. i'm too
sensitive. too emotional. i tend to overreact. i have a
friggin slow mind and i am just... argh! i am just plain

sometimes i wish i don't have sisters. i wish i just have
brothers.. because at least, i wouldn't be compared to any
of them. but if ever i do have sisters, i wish they weren't
so pretty. i wish they would look like me. that way i
wouldn't have to deal with this insecurity.

i told a girlfriend of mine about this beauty insecurity
thing...and at first she didn't take me seriously. then she
saw my older sister..and i told her my younger sister looks
like my older sister. and she was like, "now i understand
why you're insecure."

so you see, this thing with bernice is like...i don't know.
beauty beauty beauty.. beauty fades but beauty is powerful.
how i wish i was beautiful. people say that for a man to
love a woman, she should be kindhearted, gentle, and all
that crap. but how does a woman trigger the interest of a
man? not through good works. through good looks. i mean,
certainly we have to show something to them first right?

so bernice...if ever you do get nelson, i hope you take
care of him and love him far better and far more than i
have ever loved him. he deserves the best...the very very
very best.

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