~The Youth Of The Nation~
2002-03-10 01:22:30 (UTC)

~Looking Back~

Time: 2:14am
Listening To: Alanis Morissette

Dear Diary,

I've deleted my words over and over now, Seeing that I keep
forgetting that I can use names and events in here. This is
my diary now..


I look back at my life. How I went from South Africa to
Holland.. But not only this giant leap has influenced me in
a million different ways, but just the whole moving from
Despatch to Strand, then Strand to Paarl...then my final
big leap (for now)..

I look back at my 4 years in Despatch and remember nothing
much, I think all I really know from back then was our
livingroom. I can see it in my mind, the hall, then the
livingroom self and this lil step where the diningroom
was... It was a lil bit higher than the livingroom. And our
backyard..I think back and see this huge garden, huge trees
and I know my livingroom also looked huge. Obviously the
memories of an child. But that's it. More I can't remember,
No feelings, No real memories..wait, I see my street and I
remember one house where this boy lived, a good friend I
remember seeing on one picture. My sis, The Boy and
Me..Eating pancakes..*smiles* I don't remember that boy, or
that day or my life back then, but I can still see certain
things..yet No real memories.. *smiles*

We moved to the Strand..I remember the hotel..Not much
about it tho, I remember the dinner area...But it could be
from when we we're older and went back there. I don't
know.. I'm not certain. Then I remember my first school
year..I don't remember alot, but I can still see our
classroom, how we played outside on this huge climbing
thing. I remember us having a play and I remember that
my "hatred" if I'd use such a strong word had allready then
existed towards my "best friend" Ianette. She couldn't wear
this sexy dress in our dancing part, because there wasn't
enough time. Me got to wear this lil leather suit and
bikini under it. I was cast as "the babe" in the play and
she as the "teacher" with a grey wig and a old womans
dress. A feeling of joy and "in-your-face" was what I had,
which I know is wrong. But it was there, I could feel it.
Then I remember later years our playing together.. My
biggest mistake. Doing and letting her do stuff to me that
I didn't even understand. It made me cry later.. It made my
Mom cry then and it must of made God cry.. *shakes head*
How could one child have been so stupid? I don't know, but
I've put it behind me. I've learned from it and accepted
that the pain of my later years crying as I lay next to her
in bed was part of my life. It was part of who I am and
blocking it won't help. So I accepted and learned from it.
I will never make the same mistake, I will never let anyone
ever again take my freedom, my privacy and my right to say
NO! *smiles*

When we had to move the joy overwhelmed me. As much as I
loved The Strand I wanted to get away. I had to get away
from her and start over, because she was making my life
hard..*sigh* That reminds me that in my second year of
School me and Ianette were in different classes and I got
myself a gay best friend! *hehe* Dan. Him, his cousin and
me use to play in the breaks. Later it became the "joke" in
my family and between my friends and me, but I know that
Dan who later ran away for me, because of his "fright" for
gurls was my friend. A true friend and a good friend.

So I left The Strand and went on to a new life. A new
chance and a better one.. The Paarl If you ask me what the
best place in this world is I'll give you one
world "paarl".. cause it's like a pearl to me..*smiles*
It's the best place there is. It's not only beautiful
surrounded by mountains and green trees and grass
everywhere, but it's warm in the winter and cold enough to
properly cover yourself with in the winter. But most of all
it gives shelter to some of the people in my life that I
care for alot. I went to Paarl when I was 9 and I left when
I was 12 1/2. I came with nothing but pain and left with
nothing but joy. I met some of the nicest people ever,
people that have teached me alot and people I would love
forever. I met Marnus there.. I met the guy I love.. I
can't explain it, but I love him.. I really do. I met Lynn
there, a gurl with a similiar way of thinking..and I didn't
realize this until I had allready left. *smiles*

I love The Paarl and I will always Love it!! Then I moved
here.. Holland.. I use to love it. It was New, Exciting and
I thought the world would just open up and be joyful..
happy. And it was, it really was.. For 1 year I was the
happiest ever. I was at a friends house everyday and I did
the fun stuff. Stuff I never got to do. Be in a real
friends group and make a gang and stuff like that. I'm
thankful now for having that change, because in South
Africa I never had that. I was always the "butterfly"..I
didn't belong to a group of friends, I belong to everyone.
Everyone spoke to me, everyone laughed with me and everyone
was my friends..But I hardly got invited to special days to
the Movies or just to a sleepover. Because I didn't belong
in anyones "group".. But I did when I was in Holland, I

Then my vacation back in South Africa woke me up. I've
missed the "growing up" thing they did.. The dating guys
and first french kiss. I was behind on them and I felt
weird about it. After my vacation I realized how I really
felt towards Marnus, I missed him and I cried about it. I
wrote a million letters to declare my love, but I never
mailed one of them. I still have them somewhere...But most
of all I still have it in my heart.. and in my mind.

I went on vacation to Greece and Spain and catched up on
the kissing bit, I started drinking and I had the best
first kiss at a foam party with a 18 year old Austrian
called Phillipe. When Nat does something she does it good!
*haha* I went on to kiss with 3 more guys that vacation, 2
of 19 and 1 of 16. I got attention and I got a lil bit
wiser. I loved it!

I came back and my lack of "social-life" was being blamed
on my age. Next year I'll start going out. No one is
allowed now..blahblahblah.. The year past and my grades
went backwards, but it was the year I got hooked to
something in my life I will never wanna loose... THE BOARD!

I learned to love people I've never met, because they
understood, they we're fun and caring and we were all in
need of something.. or someone. I still love the board and
I'm still on it. We've been through fights, people leaving,
people coming, we've dealt with haters and the moving to a
new board.. We went through it all and survived. We are
friends and I'd never wanna loose that.. *smiles*

I can hear my own typing at the moment, a sound so
annoying, but at this moment slightly intriguing..*smiles*

I went back to South Africa for vacation once again and..
*smiles* I had a great time. Too great, because I didn't
want to leave. I got to kiss with Marnus and he hugged me..
He told me he missed me SO much and that moment I never
wanted to let go. He was mine for that moment and I was
his. *bliss* *pure bliss*

I fell inlove with someone similiar to me and realized
later that music and clothing taste doesn't make a good
relationship. It's the love that makes two people bond. and
love is there for some unexplained reason! Coming back to
Holland was so hard for me. I allready had a bad year and
now I not only got to be with Marnus, but learned a new
side of Lynn.. the side that understands me and I would be
great friends with. The side of her that begged me to stay
and knew what kind of guys I like. The side who fought with
her friends so I could go to Marnus, the side of a friend
that I would want forever.

My life was hell and has been hell for a long while, I've
become this wreck. Bad Grades, Bad Social-Life and Bad
Health. Everything was slowly falling apart.. crumbling
in.. my whole life.. But then I always had a few things to
hold on to..

The Board, but it's caused me alot of tears and sleepless

Natasha, a great friend, yet we are worlds apart..

Lynn, a letters telling me to write her back and stop my
lazyness..her obvious caring..*smiles*

God, even tho I realized my mistakes, ask forgiveness for
them I keep going back to the same mistakes..even when I
try so hard not to..

and last but not least..

Yve, The only reason for me to actually continue going back
to the board.. to keep coming back..

My past is dark, My past is light, But either way, My past
is My past, And that makes it so special...