No time for love Dr. Jones
2002-03-09 15:11:40 (UTC)

forgive me father, for i have sinned..........

after recently reading a friend's diary, i've been thinking
about family. more specifically, mine. i've never really
talked to anyone at any length about this, so this is
somewhat of a landmark.

i don't know my real father. my mother got pregnant with me
when she was 16. he ran off and left us before i was born.
the man who i've grwon up knowing as dad, is just the man
who my mother married. now, this is the part where ppl may
imagine me sledging one or the other. the first for being a
rat-ass bastard and skipping out on me, for never giving me
the chance to know that extra bit about myself. well,
actually no. if i put myself into that position, i'd at
least consider doing it too. i think any man would at least
have a fleeting thought to do it. i harbor no ill will
toward him for that. why should i? everything's turned out
ok so far, i'm not that messed up, and if i am i don't
think any of it stems from not knowing my real father. my
new father has done a splendid job supporting us. he treats
my mother well, keeps me and my siblings clothed, and is
always there to help or hand out advice.

this being said, i've never really gotten on well with him.
it's not a case of him treating me badly, or me having a
rebellious streak towards him, we are just different types
of people. we have no real common ground. quite often i've
seen my friends and the relationships they have with their
fathers, and i've wished that i could be like that. but
unfortunately, it just isn't meant to be. now when i say we
don't get on, i don't mean that we argue, or fight, or
don't talk, it's just that we don't have deep
conversations, or we don't go and do things alone together
(if that makes sense). while i've been thinking about
family, this is the thing that bothers me most. the man who
has supported me through my life, the man who my mother saw
fit to spend the rest of her life with, to me is no more
than that, just the guy who supports us. i find this sad,
and i wish there was something i could do. but alas, when
two people just don't have anything in common, other than
the love of the same woman (my mum, i thought that bit was
cool), it's hard to be anything more to each other than
just there.