jen

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2001-05-10 02:08:07 (UTC)

I've been a bad bad girl..........

Hey there,
I am so stressed out over everything. And I have been
balling it up inside with noone to tell it to, and finally
i can let it out to you diary. This thing is like the
closest thing to a true blue friend. I am scared to tell
anyone becaue shit just gets started, and I really don't
trust much people anymore. I don't know? Anyways, I didn't
end up going to my prom with Tim. That whole week I was
kind of contemplating on going cuz we made it mutual that
we weren't going, well, since he works fulltime during the
weekdays we barely talk, we he emailed me and said that he
was hangin out with jason on saturday and stuff. Well,
then Friday night I paged him and he had called off and had
a little get together with his friends, and I guess his
friend "Shameeka" had asked Tim to go to her prom because
her date had bombed out on her at the last minute. So he
asked, kinda told me, that he was probably gonna take her,
so I said ok. Which, deep inside I was kinda relentless,
because my b.f was taking some other girl to her prom and
not me to mine?? okay, how odd ya know? They went together.
And I didn't do jack shit but go shopping in the morning
with my sis. Anyways, tim and I got into it on sunday at
his house because he doesn't like how I make him feel bad
about hanging out with his friends. Which I try not to, but
every single time he makes me mad because he makes it seem
like he is gonna spend it with me, and he doesn't. And then
I don't even see or barely talk to him the whole week! I
just want to see him! Sunday is like our only official day
of seeing each other.

See, I am not one to deprive him of not seeing
his friends, I just think he is in a predicament because he
don't get to see his friend until the weekend and he
doesn't get to see me until the weekend either, so he has
to juggle between us. I don't know what to do? But we had
fought all of sunday over my behavior. but he handled it in
a stupid way, he said " I want to see other girls" Now that
about made me fall apart and want to curl up and die. And
when he says stuff like that I don't know how to act and I
don't know what to say. Cuz here I feel like I am the only
one who is in love in this relationship when he says shit
like that. After me crying and us being mean and ignoring
each other, he finally made it more clearer of why he said
that. He basically sees it as this: That when he goes away
to the guard, I am gonna go to college and find someone
else to replace him. That is what he said. I believe him
because he gets scared like that. I just think he shouldn't
have said, like " I want to see other girls" cuz that just
messes shit up and he comes off like he don't want me and
that he wants to break shit off with me.

Sometimes Tim really does confuse me. He really has changed
in his own way. At the beginning of our relationship he
preached to me about not smoking cigarettes,( I used to
smoke) and he was a straightedge, but then now, he smokes
weed and drinks like everyday. I worry about him so much
now. I don't know what to do? anyways, I thank you all for
your feedback. It is nice to know I can relate to so many.
I will w'b. Love, me


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