Jules Beale

Musings of a Twisted Mind
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2002-03-08 09:46:59 (UTC)

Depression...

Well, I've fallen into another bout of depression. Yes, I
get these every once in a while. Am I crazy? Most probably
yes. Anyways, you're probably wondering why in the hell
I'm "depressed." Lets see... for many reasons I can list
for you, even though this is not all of them:
1) Stress... its mostly class stuff, like grades.
2) My father... it seems as if I can never be good enough
for him. If I say that I got a 3.5 GPA, he says "you can
do better." If I say that I got a B on my last test, he
says "you can do better." I mean hell, I'm doing the best I
freaking can, and its still not good enough! He didn't do
that well in college, so why is doesn't he say, just
once, "good job; I'm proud"? ::sigh::
3) My best friend... she is killing herself and I just
don't know what to do to make her stop.
4) I've noticed lately in my Contemporary Moral Problems
class, that I have many opinions/morals that are not
conducive to my religion... I am not going to change them
just to be 'one of the crowd'. I just don't know what to do.
5) Friends... I have a couple of really close ones. One is
going back to CA very soon. The other seems to be moving
on. I've gotten very lonely lately... sometimes I feel
like I just want a hug. Crying doesn't help release the
pain either, but oh well.
6) My mother... she is an alcoholic. She can't admit that
she has a problem and she's killing herself. The alcohol
has affected her very badly; intellectually, she's not as
swift and she tells the same stories over and over. She
doesn't even talk to her own family, like her mother or
siblings. I find this very troubling and our relationship
has suffered for it. We fight a lot and don't get along
like we used to. Inside, I hurt. Outside, I'm angry.
7) I've been sick for the past couple weeks. I get better,
then a couple weeks later I'm sick again. Its probably
from the stress of life, but I just cant stand it anymore.
I need to be well. I can't miss any more classes!
8) I need a good psychiatrist.
9) I need a break from college. I may take a session or
hell both sessions off this summer. My brain needs a
break. I don't care what my father wants me to do this
summer... I'm ahead anyways (I'm a sophmore when I should
be a freshman). I just need a break or I don't think that
I'll make it another year.
10) Well thats about it. Oh and I miss Magick, my big
black german shepard. She's my baby and I can't stand
living in this freaking dorm without a pet!
Anyways, those are the main reasons why I'm depressed.
I'll probably have a manic episode next week, so check back
soon to read more about my freaky little mind.


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