Juicy4Hotties

Take Lots With Alcohol
2002-03-08 06:49:07 (UTC)

MaRcH 8th 1221aM

Okay so I was laying in bed for the last hour thinking-
about how fucked up my life really is. I can never decide
what I want until I blew my chance, then when I try to get
it back it's already gone. Everyone always tells me I'm
nuts because I basically do whatever I want whenever I want
& I don't care what other people think about me. I just
find the people I go to school with day after day so
insignificant & dull. Nobody catches my eye & manages to
hold it for a significant period of time.. even Marc who I
KNEW I loved who I though would be the one person I'd be
with for the rest of my life, the only person I'd ever WANT
to be with, means nothing to me anymore. I feel dead inside
sometimes. I mean, I've gone through a pretty fucked-up
year so far, I've lost some really good friends, & some
really hott guys. Every day goes by & I realize the truth
of the whole matter-it is never going to happen with him.
Theee HIM.. I was laying in my dark room staring at my glow-
in-the-dark stars listening to Alkaline Trio thinking about
all these crazy dreams I had, & telling myself they aren't
going to come true. About a year ago if something like this
happened I'd lay in bed sobbing to some sappy NSync song
feeling sorry for myself. It's been a really long time
since I full-out CRIED. I felt like, I DESERVED to cry
tonight, like I earned it, so I tried but nothing could
come out. I was hurt & I feel sad, but not enough to cry.
That's why I feel dead. With everything that's happened to
me in the past year, I sortof built this brick wall around
me with a bulletproof indestructable window-you can see me
& if I shout loud enough you can hear me. It's like you're
with me, but you can never really get close enough to touch
me. First I lost the one person I ever loved, & the scary
part about that is I completely got over it-I have no
loving feelings at all for him anymore. Then my Grandma,
the one I was named after, died. Then I had the lousiest
summer vacation ever, followed by the start of my Junior
year. First I got fucked over by a guy I really liked, then
my dad moved out & I haven't spoken to him since. Then I
got way too drunk & did something stupid with someone
stupid, then I got fucked over by 2 more guys I liked. Then
i had a party & my house got TRASHED, then I got used by a
guy I REALLY liked, then I got fired from my job, then I
got used by that guy AGAIN, then I lost a group of 5 close
friends, and I currently only speak to one of them. Then I
got into a fight with one of my close friends over a stupid
dance, & I really felt like shit for 3 weeks about that.
Now I've gotten (sort of) fucked over by yet another guy, &
there are 2 others that hold my interest-one who has a
girlfriend, despite how he talks to me as if he didn't, and
the other just wants to use me & I know it-he even told me.
I'm waiting-only 3 more weeks until spring break. I'm going
to spend it recovering from all of this & hanging out with
my real friends. Alli wrote me a note the other day that
actually almost DID make me cry-she told me to get over
this guy I'm hung up on because I CAN do better & I WILL
find someone, someone who doesn't say shitty things to me &
make me feel like a worthless peice of shit. It was one f
the nicest notes anyone has ever written me. I decided then
that I will not get with that guy, I can't risk getting
fucked over again. Maybe now that the blonde is gone I'm
regrowing brain cells & actually seeing what I've been too
blind to see before, because I was thinking the other day &
it hit me-who has always been one of the nicest guys in the
world to me, & who did I screw over, yet he continued to be
one of the nicest guys? Tim! I mean, he is hott.. he's sooo
hott.. and he's a good kisser.. but after i like, NEVER
answered him that night he asked me out I guess he started
liking this other girl & now they are together. I just need
to stay away from everyone right now.. every guy has a gf
(or an ex gf) & I do not want to get involved in that, I
think I'm going to bed.. I just needed to get that all off
my chest.




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