blueboyr

Tired, very tired....

Hey Entry. Empty. I am not too sure how much more of this
I can take. I seem to be getting farther down with each
passing day. Things seem to going good until I get back
home. Yesterday was not that bad. I had fun looking out
people on the internet, Interesting to say the least. My
mind is wondering tonight. I keep thinking that if I had
something different in my life that it would make things
better. How am I, suppose to have something that I can't be
sure I am able to hold. I want to be able to hold a specail
person in my arms and be able to speak what is on my mind.
Writing this in here is great and all. I have some much
weight. Of course I would not dump this on anyone. When I
would take it from them with out a second thought.
Emotionnally wrecked. I am draining myself. No amount of
sleep is helpig me, no amount of antic's(sp) cheers me up
inside anymore. It is almost as if I am dead inside. Even
the thoughts of what might happen in given situtions, are
doing nothing. Depression ? If I had depression, I would be
happy. At least I can live with that. I know the symptoms
of this so called Illness. And you now what it does not
make me any happier. How old do you have to be to have a
mental break down ? Or mid life crisis ? I am surprised
that I don't have alsores(sp).
I still think that the glass is Half full, and always
will. It is probably just another test of how I can handle
things. I have always managed, to get by with things. And I
guess that this does not change anything. Getting by is
what I do. I just feel myself fading away. One of these
times I am going to get up in the morning and I will be
leaving my skin behide. Life is leeching the life out of
me. Were is that guy that had a quick laugh, and a soft
smile, go ? I see him in the mirror less and less this days.
On a bright topic, I am still out preforming people at
work and I am still getting told to do more. That is the
happest thing that I right now, getting told that what you
are doing is good. But, we expect more out of you. How much
more can they take ?
Like I said my mind is wandering tonight.
There are so many things that I have not gotten out of my
system. I feel them swelling inside. On the verge of
bursting. I want to scream. I want to destroy. I want to
extinguish the flame that is burning inside. Of course, I
will not scream, and I will not destroy. I will go to bed
early and hope that I wake up refreshed, and in a good
frame of mind.

Lost in the Dark...

------------

The Pillow, The Tear...

I cry to you...
I cry for you...
I cry to look at you...
I cry when I hold you...
I cry just because you are there...
I cry to you...
Let me rest with out thinking...
Let me sleep with out dreams...
Don't let me cry out...
Don't let me move till the morning...
Hold my head with your soft touch...
Pillow take my tears away from my face...
For you are ever there...

------------