listen to my silences
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2002-03-07 04:03:49 (UTC)

r.i.p. colin

wednesday, march 6, 2002
the two year anniversary of colin's death
dead at the age of four

those thoughts have run through my head so many times today.
today had been really rough.

i had two tests at school. i did really well on the
government one, but not so hot on the cal one. after
school i went to the cemetary.

i was there for about a half hour. i cried. poured
everything out. all my questions and confusions and hurt
and just everything. when i left, i was still upset, but
there was a release. like i am finally saying goodbye.

jon was gonna come with me to be there but couldn't cause
of practice. i knew he wanted to. and in a sense he was
there. even though the weather was really nice, i wore his
jacket. it was like he had his arms around me. he called
me right after i left the cemetary and asked me if i was
ok. guard was difficult to get through. everyone kept
asking me why my eyes were red. brodie said it looked like
i had been crying. him knowing me, he didn't expect me to
say i had been. i worried a lot of people today
evidently. to all that were, now you know why.

after i got home jon called to see if it was ok if he
stopped by. dad said it was cool but we had to stay
outside. my rents are weird. i answered the door and the
first thing he said was are you ok as he gave me a hug. i
pretty much just collapsed against him. and he held me.
he knew what i needed. i love him so much. i can't
imagine what i'd do without him. for the half hour forty
five minutes he was over here, everything was right with
the world again. i could put the thoughts of colin in the
back of my mind for a while.

he left and i called kelly. we hadn't talked in awhile,
and she's got a lot of stuff going on. she stopped by
school today to see everyone, but i was on my way to the
cemetary and couldn't/didn't want to talk. to anyone. i
knew i was on the verge of crying. i hope i didn't make
her think i was mad. anyways, she told me a lot of what
was going on. not everything, but i don't know if she
knows everything. i'm worried about her. something's up.
i love her so much. my big sister. sometimes though, the
little sister has to watch out for the bigger one.

i scared g today after school too cause he was trying to
give me a hug and i didn't know it. i shied away from him
and he thought i was mad at him. i told him at guard that
i wasn't. he wanted to know what was up. so i told him.
and almost started crying again.

it's amazing what you can get through when you have friends
who care and support you. and when you have someone you
know will carry you no matter how heavy your load or how
distant you are. that person always brings you back and
reminds you why you're here. and your friends back that
person up. to all of you: thanks.

k, i'm done rambling. good nite to all.

final thought: the thing that i regret the most is that we
didn't get to say goodbye; i think of the last time that i
saw you and again i start to cry