Jenni

Metamorphosis
2001-05-09 01:29:05 (UTC)

May 8,2001

Ok here it goes. I'm 24 and I've really never had a
diary. I mean I tried to keep on when I was younger, but
never had the ambition. One can say that this can be a
whole new start for me. I hope it's not to late.
I'm woking as part of the nursing staff in a doctors
office. I really love my job. It's about damn time too,
I'm to old to be wondering what I want to do with my life.
I do know that I need to go back to school and finish.
It's tough though money is really tight and I have no sense
of how to save money I'm like everyone else I spend it as
soon as I make it. I'm in debt up to my freakin eyebrows
and the only people I don't have fooled are my parents and
the collection agency(s)
What does one write in a diary? Is this something that I'm
supposed to know. Are the words and feeling supposed to
pour from my fingers? Am I being ridiculous? Does spelling
count..LOL Anyway..... as I'm sure you'll all soon find out and as I
go back and reread the bullshit that I'm just spilling out. I'm one
fucked up chick!!!! I set a whole new standard of living for myself
then I have for other people in my life. My family is so truly
messed up for at least 3 generations that I can see so far, I only
hope that it stops with the next. To sum it all up in one word that
carries so much weight is ABUSE!!! You name it my family has it.
Drug, alcohol, sex, physical, mental, emotional, and whatever other
kinda abuse some twisted psycho therapist can pull out of their ass.
I'm really tired of all the lies and questioning every thing. I have
people that love me and show me that they love me, but I feel so
alone that no matter how hard I try to let them in and explaine how I
feel..the words never come. Neither do the tears. That's one thing
about myself I really hate. I can't let people see me cry. I'm a
chick for god sake I'm supposed to be emotional and I can't do it.
Here's a secret.... sometimes I feel more like a guy then a girl.
Now I'm not talking about that gender confusion shit like I'm some
tormented soul that I feel like I'm stuck in the wrong sex. I'm
talking how I deal with things on an emotional level....I know how to
be every emotion on the spectrum from angry, happy, sad...you name it
I can feel it, but it's soooo fucking hard to show it...WHY????????
I've babbled on enough I'm going to call the love of my life..more
about him later...SUSPENSE!!!!!!!




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