just another day at the patch
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2002-03-07 01:16:25 (UTC)

sumthin new

Okay well I am really getting tired of writing down all of
my endless thoughts in a notebook. Besides, I am the only
one who ever reads them. And believe me I haven't changed
that much in the past 5 years since I started this whole
writing thing. So I thought what the hell, why not make it
public so others can perhaps learn from my misfortunes?
I realize that I have started to slowly but surely close
off myself again out of fear that this whole thing with him
will end up badly. And even though it is clear that he is
into me much more than I am into him, I can't help but to
remember what happened in my last relationship. I just wish
that I could stop going back to all of those things in my
mind. I know that it sounds bad but I have started creating
reasons for why this one isn't good enough. And the first
reason on my list is always that he is not "hot". I know
that it is shallow of me to think that but I want the guy
that I am with to be extremely attractive. And it is not
that he is ugly-his hairstyle and fashion sense leave
somthing to be desired. He is an average looking guy.
And you know what set all of this off--everything was
great, I wasn't being over-analytical but then Saturday
morning he looked at me and said "you are so beautiful in
the morning" which totally set off the alarms in my head.
That is what David used to say to me. I feel like now the
only reasons that I am with him is because I needed to test
myself. Am I going to continue to wall myself off and
retreat inside every time he tells me how beautiful I am
and how wonderful I am? I am just not opening my heart and
my mind to the whole situation. I have it in my mind that I
can continue on like this with a closed mind and closed
heart toward him. It is unfair of me that I have already
made up my mind about him. I have refused to feel anything
at all--it is that simple.