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2001-05-09 01:21:58 (UTC)


so graduation is coming up and thats exciting
but nerve racking all at the same time.
i got an email from my ex in chicago today
that was interesting
she might be coming to graduation
that would be slighty VERY scary
dont know how i feel about that just yet
i talked to brittany today
we had a good convo.
which is rare.
i still miss sandy.
but not her
just the person she used to be
brittanys ex keeps talking to me
its weird
i actualyl think i like her a but more than i like britt
thats not a good thing
im going to be missing a lot of people soon
that will be weird
my bestfriend pissed me off
shes back on coke
and fucking one of my old friends
its annoying
i hate it when worlds mesh
you know?
like when people you know from one place meet and start
talking and shit
its annoying.
too confusing for me.
im chewing gum.
i never do that.
but it tastes good right now.
i had shrimp for dinner
it was very yummy
i miss robbynn
why does everyone leave
and why cant i get over it
i dont understand why people dance.
oh well
i applied at mad cool places and i hope they call back soon
i need a job
gum is weird.
my nipple still hurts
i shoudl go take a shower
but i dont want to get up
i type fast
i didnt used to
i guess the years pay off huh
my bestfriend, the one i was tlaing about earlier
said that i wasnt the same person
and that she didnt feel close to me
and that she didnt know me anymore
it hurt me
of course ive changed
people do
shit happens you know
but shes giving me a fucking guilt trip for it
its liek just because im not using anymore
she doesnt want to hang out with me
cuz im not fun
lol yeah
fuck that shit man
fuck her too
i dont need that
i have enough shit of myself to deal with
you know
and i thought she would be be better than that
you know
i expected it from everyone else
and i got what i expected.
they all left
but not from her
i didnt know she would be like this
and it pisses me off
we were like...so FUCKING close
there is no way to describe it
we wouldnt talk for months
she lived in rhode island for the majority of the year
and so she was like thousands of miles away
but still when she came back
we were always close.
but now.
things have changed.
shes left me too
the story of my life
the story of everyones life i suppose
people love you
and leave you
i guess thats why i dont get close to people anymore
well i do
but i always know that they will leave
you know
i expect it
but she was different
i didnt expect it
and now im annoyed
and it fucking sucks
sitting back and watching the people you love
destory themselves right in front of yourself
and what exactly can i do about it
you know.
my mom.
my first love.
christina now.
my dad.
chris, whos dead now.
you know
its fucking fucked up
and how am i supposed to forgive myself
you know how its the whole thing like, if you instigate
youre part of the problem
if you egg them on
youre part of the problem
and if you sit back and do nothing
youre part of the problem
whats a girl to do.
its just fucked up.
ive lost everyone.
fuck it man.
its like, i dont hate the world.
i could be such a happy girl.
i still am.
im happy.
because im proud of me.
but still.
its so hard when everyone leaves and hurts themselves.
but i have to be strong.
like i always am.
of course.
theres nothing that can be done.
i feel so helpless
like im just tredding water
i finished a book today
it was good...