The Real Deal

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2002-03-07 00:27:04 (UTC)

Wow... I haven t written in..

Wow... I haven't written in this for a long time... very
long... and I'm sorrie for that... Thank you for the
messages that I received... it's good to know that people
actually care and take the time to read about life... :)

Well... to keep you updated... my life has been... somewhat
better... I guess...

I recently found out that one of my confidants, H, and my
ex were kinda hooking up. She knew how much I cared about
him and how I still had feelings for him... but I'm not
mad... because there's no point in being mad at her. It's
his and her's decision. I was mad at the fact that my
closer friends did not have the courage to tell me about
this. H had to tell me and told me that a lot of people
knew except me... and I felt so FOOLISH. I dunno... I guess
I am foolish... but I wasn't mad... I don't get mad
easily.. because I know me and my ex are over and done
with... because we aren't even friends nor talking to each
other and I'm fine with that. It just hurts that my friends
didn't tell me what was happening and they knew how I

To make matters worse... the girl started getting threats
from someone saying that she betrayed her friend and how
she's a slut and whore and thensome... and people actually
think it's me or a friend of mine. I had honest to God NO
CLUE about what was going on... I found out when H didn't
talk to me... and my ex even thought it was me... Some of
my close friends thought it was me... and it just hurts
knowing that some of my friends actually thought I would do
something like that. It just draws me away from my ex even
more tho... and that's good... cuz it helps me get over him
and just move on... but my own friends... a majority of my
friends know that I would never do that and knew I had
nothing to do with it... but still... some other friends
were... just so unfair! I thought they knew me better than
that. I'm not that type of person... I just wanna live my
life as according to me... just live and let live... but
somehow something keeps holding me back when I just wanna
move forward...

Alex has been really supportive of me. It makes me think
about our relationship... but it can NEVER go beyond
friendship because of our history and lives... we both have
grown and we both fully know how we feel about each
other... plus... he's my ex's friend and that would not be

Lately... I've been trying to live my life as normal as
possible... it's kinda hard when I see my ex every single
day! We just avoid each other... but I see the glimpses he
gives me and he sees my glimpses... but I've been trying
not to look at him at all. It's terrible since Alex sits
near him and whenever I talk to Alex I have a view of my
ex... and then my ex would think I was looking at him...
which sucks for me because I'm afraid he'd think I was
looking at him... I'm trying... really I am!

I had a talk with a close friend of mine, M. We were
outside my house (actually a block from my house) in his
car for an hour. I would never be with him either because
he was with a close girl friend of mine and I have a rule
about friends's ex boyfriends... I expected my friends to
follow it also, but I guess not... it's okay tho... I'm
fine with it. Anyways... M and I flirted and he's a huge
flirt and I kinda expected that he wanted something to
happen... but of course he knew that nothing would because
he knew how I felt. Anyways... we talked and I told him
that I haven't kissed anyone since my ex and I forgot how
it felt. He asked me why didn't I just move on and kiss
someone? This is why...

I felt that if I kissed another guy... then for sure...
it's completely over between me and my ex... we're no
longer anything... and my miracle would just disappear... I
don't want just to have the feeling that maybe it can
happen... maybe it can happen to us... I know it's
pathetic... but it's what I have left. I also feel that if
he kissed another girl, which he hasn't, then I know it's
completely over... but the thing is... he hasn't... and he
hasn't had another girlfriend... he told everyone he
doesn't want a relationship right now... and it makes u
wonder... cuz he could have a relationship with H or with
tons of pretty girls that throw themselves at him... but he
doesn't. Doesn't that make u wonder. Maybe...

I know there is no such thing as luck... except in
gambling... but I believe in fate and hope... maybe it has
something great in store for me... I went through heck and
maybe things will start looking up for me. You never know
what fate has in store... Maybe tomorrow I'll have the
courage to tell my ex EVERYTHING I feel... maybe I can get
drunk one day and tell him EVERYTHING that I felt... who
knows? Everyday is a mystery that we have to solve. True?

Life is so tricky... I'm just trying to get through it
without getting hurt. I still feel like maybe something can
happen. Who knows? Do you? Do you? We all don't know what
is going to happen and so why should I doubt anything? I'm
just going to live life the way I have always lived it and
see what happens...

Well.. thank you for reading this if u do... I appreciate
the messages and I am trying to be strong and think with my
head instead of my heart more because if I chose my heart,
then I honestly don't know where I would be or what I would
do. :) Maybe I should use my heart then, huh? :)

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