Insensitive Kitten

Insensitive Kitten
2001-05-08 18:28:05 (UTC)

...hickory dickory dock...

I just saw another commercial for more no-hurt stuff for
cuts and I could practically feel my mouth watering.

I really don't know why I want that stuff but I can see
myself going throgh the store and wasting my check on anti
bacterial and cutting myself the whole night and spraying
that stuff on it...

I am insane...I have acknowledged it.

But whatever...none of that matters right now...that's just
a little part of my life and I have sooo many other things
going for me...

Wow...that almost sounded somewhat convincing...don't you
think?

The truth of the matter is that my life revolves around my
obsessive compulsive behavior and my need for cutting.

I am one little page of a person.

There is nothing else to me...just what you see.

I am sick of being told I'm doing this for attention and I
am sick of being at the risk of sounding like a child
whyning and moaning. I am sick of all that and more.

It's so easy to put me down cos I'm already there.

It's so easy for people to see me only for what my disease
is and generalize me.

It's so fucking easy to tell me and others like me to cut
my throat and kill myself...that no one cares and it's all
this amazingly stupid scheme at attention.

It makes me feel lesser.

It make me feel numb.

It makes me want to pull all of my hair out and scream.

But I don't...every ignorant phrase that graces through me
from the mouths of what I would like to think of as Satans
spawn, makes me want to cut. Makes me want to feel
something other then what they're making me feel.

Beautiful.

I want to feel beautiful....

So everytime I feel something I don't appreciate...I can
feel beautiful....

Beautiful is what my cuts are.

What the blood is.

It's absolutely beautifull that I can cut myself with a
steak knife to the point where a limb may fall off and I
won't feel a god damned thing...if I don't want to.

When I do want to feel it I will.

It's beautiful that I've been cutting for so long that I
can turn off and on my emotional attachment to my body like
a faucet.

So when you make me feel ugly I can just as easily make me
feel beatuful

Yea....that last part shocked me too