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2002-03-05 15:39:20 (UTC)


Another wasted day. It seems that the more time u have the
less u get done. I should have gone to two tutorials today
and instead i hid in the library trying not to think of the
mountain of work that lies ahead.I didn't even do anything
productive in the meanwhile.

Had lunch with lou and listened to her chatter on. I sat
there feeling flat and tired, unable to entertain or
communicate. Still the calm is better than yesterday when my
financial and academic failures loomed dangerously overhead
and i felt shear panic. I know that money and work are
secondary in life to health, family and friendship, why
can't i feel it? Last week it seemed that two of my best
friends were rejecting me, that my cat tommy had cancer and
that my dad was ill. Everything seemed to be falling apart.
Now everything is resolved for the best and yet i'm still

I often wonder why i create problems for myself and why such
mundane ones. Rather than becoming hooked on drugs, alcohol,
sex or crime to soothe my depression, i tie myself in knots
overspending on rubbish, comfort eating, hiding and ignoring
responsibilities, running up horrendous library fees and
ignoring demands for overdraft payments, credit cards ect. I
always wait until a small problem becomes a huge one and
then , only then ask for help and take action. I have
several theories but today I think that is about fear of
failure. If i wasen't worrying or feeling guilty about
things i should do. If i had time to do what i choose, then
i would have to actually take steps to turning all those
dreams, thoughts, creative urges into action. I'm not sure
what I fear most, that my creations might fail or that i
would have to decide which one to act on. I simply feel that
i am on the right track.

Anyway must go and give in application form for the job at
the cinema and stop analysing. The next few weeks are going
to be hard if I am to catch up and much harder if i don't. I
will get better though, I'm determined. I have to have the
courage to realise my potential.