Yellow Angel

Larmes d'un ange
2001-05-08 03:49:57 (UTC)

May 7, 2001

I asked myself today, "why don't you ever keep up with your
journal anymore?" and my only answer was because I don't
ever feel like sitting down to write. However, whenever
I'm on the computer I find myself looking for something to
do so I decided that I would convert to keeping a journal
online. Keeping a journal waas the best thing I ever
started because I could write about the things that were
bothering me so I wouldn't snap at other people. Lately,
I've been getting worse and worse. So many different
things have been going on and I just flip out over
everything. I literally started crying over spilt milk the
other day. How sad is that? I mean really, it was spilt

Maybe I should get into why things have been annoying me so
easily. It kind of all started back in March, right after
spring break. I was just sitting in my dorm room, actually
doing homework for once, and some random person imed me. I
had no clue who it was but I figured well, since this
person says I know them I'll talk to them to figure out who
it is. Well, that was jsut the stupidest thing I have done
in a long time. He started telling me that I was going to
suck his cock and I'd like it, he was going to ram me like
a 16 year old at prom if i didn't put out...I was like jsut
like umm yeah whatever...but then he knew my full name, he
knew where I lived, he knew what kind of shampoo I
use...who knows that? who cares at that matter? I was
kind of creeped out. I just didn't understand why someone
would be saying this stuff to me, especially someone that I
supposedly knew. It really bothered me, but I was still
very nice to this person. Until he imed me again later on
that night, then I became really bitchy and started arguing
with him. I was getting mad, very mad. So now, he's
telling me I have no friends and I'm a bitch and a C-U-Next-
Tuesday..I was not very happy, I do not use that word nor
does anyone use it around me. I don't like it and never
will, so by this time I'm crying and I call Tim because
I've known Tim for ages and he lives on campus and he's
jsut the person I wanted to talk to. Everyone else on my
floor was telling me that they would have been wicked
freaked out too, except for Lindsey, my wonderful roommate
(sarcasm...much sarcasm). Well, Tim came over and he told
me that I should be bringing this to the police. It took
him a while but he finally convinced me of it so I brought
it to the cops and they suggested that I go home for a
while. I was like riight, but listened to them anyway. I
spent about two weeks at home while the cops fed me all
this bullshit. "It's someone in the military, someone
connected to the name Ken, someone in Virginia" just all
this stupid shit. I was getting so annoyed with them so I
was like yeah, whatever, I'm going to go back to school.
So they were like "well, I guess you can go back we are
still looking into it and we are very good at responding to
calls" so I go back to my roommate telling me that I jsut
completley over reacted and all this other stuff, I was
like yup, stupid me over reacting again, i should just let
someone who is threatening to rape me
that's basically what started it all. I kind of jsut tried
to forget about it but people kept asking me questions, and
no one would let me be by myself. That jsut made me worry
even more, I really just didn't want to deal with this
shit. It's kind of hard for a girl who had been suicidal
for the previous 4 years to deal with something like that.
I was going crazy! I mean, I put one of my best friends
names to the creepy person, just because his middle name
had Ken in it...I couldn't even believe myself. I never
felt so awful in my whole life. I jsut kept thinking to
myself, "you are such a terrible person, could
you do something like that?" and again, i started crying.
I know that Joe would never ever do something like that.
He is one of my closest friends and he is on e of the only
people that i feel safe with, how could he ever put me in a
postion where I feel completely unsafe? He couldn't.
Throughout this whole thing, people kept asking me if I
thought my roomate would ever do something like that and
I'm like no, she wouldn't. Why would someone do something
like that to me? I don't i finaly convinced
everyone that it wasn't her. Well, what do you know? I,
now, think it is her. How could I not with everything else
going on? Why wouldn't I have in the first place when she
was telling me I was stupid and I was over reacting?
Becuase I am stupid. that's it. So, anyway, why I now
think it was Lindsey. Well, that goes back to a fight
Megan and I got into. We are/were getting tutured by my
friend Andrew, he's the captain of the swim team and he
told me that he would help me out so Meg and I are taking
the same class and she also wants help so why not get
tutored together, right? Well, Meg thinks he's
cute...which he is but it doesn't matter niether of us
cared, until Lindsey starts telling me that Megan is
completely in love with him and she only goes to tutoring
so she can look at him and all of this other shit and I'm
jsut like riight and never now, Linds
decides that she is going to tell Meg that I said all of
it. And Meg confronts me and i was like I never said that,
I never disagree when people say it, but I never said it.
We get over it, about 3 weeks ago, a boy named Kevin, also
on the team with me, tells Meg he read all the ims and mail
I sent Andrew saying that she only goes to tutoring becuase
he is hott and all this shit, well, i never said it nor do
I ever im I don't understand where Kevin got his
information...they refuse to tell me too. I was like
whatever. Well, Megan starts screaming at me, but of
course it's online because no one is mature enough to
confront people in person calmly. She has to call me names
and all this shit and tell me that I'm immature because I'm
not fighting back. Well, Lindsey then proceeds to pretend
to be Megan online and tells me to go kill myself and said
some pretty nasty shit, and I was like oh that's cool.
Then she comes back into our room, where I'm crying, and
tells me that Megan is lying when she says it's not her.
This is when I then write Andrew and Kevin both mail
because I don't understand why someone I've known since
elementry is saying this horrid stuff to me. Well, I
decided that I would send both the e-mails to Megan also.
Megan reads them and calls me and tells me that she didn't
say it but can't tell me who did, so I ask her why should I
believe you and she is like becasue you know I wouldn't do
that and I was like and you know I wouldn't lie to you
either and she was like but you did and i was like so did she finally tells me that Lindsey said it and I
then tell Meg that that makes no sense because Linds is the
one who told me that she was speaking to me the entire
time, but then I realize well, wait a second, she was
telling me that I should be telling Meg that at least I'm not the one
who took the morning after pill when she totally doesn't want anyone
to know about that...then I figured that it probably was Lindsey.
So, now, I'm branded
a liar but Meg decided I wasn't until I made a sarcastic
comment to her about Lindsey. So now, I'm a liar again
because I made a saracastic comment and she says "well, if
I were to tel someone that you went to go jump in front of
a truck and die, i would be lying" and i was like no, that
would be a sarcastic comment showing that I was in a pissy
mood and was being a bitch, and she was like no, it would
be lying. So then I get this e-mail from Lindsey telling
me that I have no friends, that I'm a C-U...a psycho, a
wacko, and that she was going to make the rest of my
semester miserable so i decided well, hey, i'll just make
yours miserable instead so I left. Then I am being told
that i stooped lower than anyone has ever stooped before
because I took my fridge and my computer so now, lindsey
has i'm just going to leave my stuff for some
bitch to ruin...riight...

so anyway, now, i've got all these people that were
supposedly my really good friends that stopped talking to
me months ago talking to me, why are they
talking to me? because they broke up with their
boy/girlfriends. So now, I sit here and I wonder why? Why
are they talking to me now? Why can't they talk to me when
everything is okay? I don't understand. They all say it's
because I am a good person to talk to, but hello, make me
feel like shit for months and then I am suppose to make you
feel better? Plus, I don't know what I'm suppose to say to
them. I can't make you feel better if I don't know what
you are going through. I got from Brad, my supposed best
friend whom stopped talking to me for like 4 months, well I
felt bad because when I got hurt i realized how much it
must have hurt you to lose my friendship...I don't want a
god damned pity friendship...what is that? It's soo hard,
but I care about him so much that I jsut can't be like you
hurt me too much, I can't be friends with you. He was the
first person that ever knew anything about me, I trusted
him with everything, I felt safe with him, he showed me
that I can love people because not everyone is against
me...he's the first friend that i ever loved...and he
stopped being friends with me...and I'm suppose to take his
friendship back jsut like that? I shouldn't have but I
did...I mean, yeah I love being friends with him, but I
just get so confused and so aggravated because I don't
understand...David started talking to me again when Melissa
broke up with him, but it was different with him, because
we were never that close, and we didn't really stop being
friends, we jsut kinda didn't talk all that often. It
still confuses me but whatever. If he wasn't so dumb
today, they'd be going back out...but he had to call her
names which I already told him he shouldn't do! I know
he's upset and he is going to say things he doesn't mean
but he shouldn't be calling the person he loves names.
It's just not right. I mean, of course he is upset, and I
agree with him, Melissa needs to grow up some but if he is
going to call her names, he will never get her back. I
don't know. Whatever, it really isn't my business, I will
give them my opinion, whether they take it or not, is up to

And living at home, let me tell you, that is hell! I get
yelled at for every little thing. God forbid I take the
cover off the pool because I want to clean it, and I want
to take care of it, so I can use it. And having to tell my
pparents where I am going to be, who I'm going ot be with,
when I'm going to be home, that just is not cool with me.
Going from living an hour and a half away from them and not
having them know anything about anything, to this.....I

So yeah, that is just a little overview of why I am so
aggravated lately. Starting tomorrow, I will begin on my
daily entries about what I am thinking and how I'm