Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-03-05 13:56:25 (UTC)

Fira-me além do reparo. Dê-me uma razão morrer.

3-5-02
2am

I am in the process of having a breakdown. I hate myself so
much right now. I deserve to die.

Living is hopeless. Everytime I have something that makes
me happy, it gets taken away.

I have reached my breaking point. Im at work so I really
cant do anything about it right now. I can barely lift the
pen to write.

Its not just "right now" thats gone to hell, its my whole
entire life. My future, my hopes, my dreams, my life. I
dont dare dream of happiness anymore. It will just get
snatched away. I should just be locked up in a hospital
somewhere. Then I can have the pleasure of hanging myself
with the crisp white hospital linen. Yes I am being
excessivly orbid and Im not fully serious... Hanging is a
horrid way to die and much too 19th century.. Not my
style.. I prefer the cliche' route.. Or perhaps something
very unique and dramatic.. And yes, I deal with extreme
emotion by being etremely morbid. Deal with it.

Ya know, my prayers are never answered/ Its quite tragic
tho expected since I do not know which god or goddess Im
praying to. These are my two main prayers as of recently. I
will stop asking for these things soon.

1- I wish to never wake (im sorry that i sometimes want
this but its true)

2- I wish to wake up bleeding. That way the choice would be
out of my hands and I wouldnt have to hate myself any more
than I already do.

Im too fucked up to ever be happy. Too fucked up to have a
career. Too fucked up to be in a relationship. Too fucked
up to have kids. Too fucked up too even write, paint,
breath, create, live.

Gods, please.. i need insight.. help..

Fira-me além do reparo. Dê-me uma razão morrer.

Work sucks. Life sucks. I am in a dark pit of despair and
self loathing..


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