Meshed Up
2002-03-05 12:06:38 (UTC)


i have just proven it. nelson is avoiding me.

i don't know what happened. he just turned cold one day.
cold and hard and rigid. it was like he was saying goodbye
to me. i don't know what i did. all i know is i don't think
he loves me anymore.

i can't stand this pain. i can't take it. i wish he would
tell me what's wrong. i wish he would talk to me. i wish he
would just clear things up. dammit nelson. what the hell is

i want to go out. i want to leave this stifling apartment
and just go out. i want a cigarette. i want to drink. but i
won't. i won't. i'm just sad. i want to cry.

it's tearing me apart. why is he avoiding me? he really
doesn't seem to want to talk to me. i'm controlling myself
right now not to text him..not to leave a message on icq. i
miss him so much. i wish i was back home in my country. i
wish i could call him. but then...i don't know. i suppose
it's better to stay here. it's easier to distract myself.
it's easier to think with my mind. if i was back home, my
feelings will dictate my actions...and my feelings are
destructive. they almost destroyed me.

i don't know what to do. i've bore so much pain already. do
i deserve more? but he has bore a lot of pain as well. i
don't want to hurt him...but i think i hurt him
unconsciously...sometimes i do things that .. hurt him.

am i so stupid to do such stupid things? i don't even know
what i did dammit. sigh...why oh why oh why. i hate this
feeling. i hate this damn feeling!

he's online now... i don't know if he'll talk to me.