Memoirs on the Mighty Dog Of Wonder
"You know you're up late when you get morning wood and you
haven't even gone to bed yet." --Brian K.
5:06 am and I'm feeling funky. Jake, the mighty dog of
wonder, has been passed out on the couch for several hours
now. He's snoring. Doggy snoring is interesting if you've
never heard it.
What's really funny is when he starts dreaming. He has
those usual chasing dreams, where his paws twitch and he
yelps. I bet he's chasing squirrels. He hates those damn
things. Bastards are the bane of his existance. I
actually saw squirrles mating in my backyard last weekend.
Jake was just so beside himself. He wanted to go out and
totally mess with them, but I wouldn't let him.
He had a sex dream once. That was the most fucked up
thing. I was sitting on the computer, and I heard him make
this weird grunting sound. I looked down at him, and he
was sprawled across the floor, his red thing was out, and
he was just thrusting in the air. I didn't know this was
possible. I never thought the doggy brain was wired for
sex dreams. My amazement gave way to dread at the thought
of wiping up doggy love mess, so I nudged him and woke him
up. I felt bad about it, and he looked pissed, but cest le
I'm pretty convinced that he's either a human in the form
of a dog, or one of those super intelligent spy dogs like
from that movie. One day I was whining to him (as I'm want
to do) and he cocked his head sympathetically and put his
paw on my knee. I was amazed. I was like, "Dude! You
understand me? You really know what I'm talking about!
Wow! Are you like some kind of super dog, or some
reincarnated guy or what? Wow!" I was freaking out. Jake
kind of looked taken aback and promply stuck his head in
I guess he figured I was getting too close to his secret.
Or I was giving him too much credit. I dunno. Either way,
he's a smart dog. He'll eat just about anything too.
Once, I was making a vegemite sandwich and dropped it. He
was on it like white on rice and gobbled it down. Gave him
so much gas it sounded like someone stuck a two-cycle
engine up his ass. Scary stuff.
Well, he looks really grumpy now. I guess I'd better take
him to bed. (To sleep, you perverts.)