2001-05-08 01:11:57 (UTC)

my rants

i went looking for a job today...i applied at a really cool
resturant with punk rock people working there. hehe. punk
rock..lol. anyway, im such a dork sometimes. you
know..anyway, yeah. i hope they call back. i need a job. im
going to be out of school soon, and then in the fall its
college. ah. scary sounding. i havent had any caffine all
day. which is impressive most of the time i have 2 pots of
coffee a day. but i realize this is bad, so im working on
it...i have a headache though. ive begun smoking again.
ciggarettes. nothing TOO bad, but still i know it is. i
feel bad about it, i was so happy when i qut but recently
it seems like its the only thing that keeps me happy. you
know. its like a thing i do to entertain myself when i get
bored. which is a lot. the majority of the time. i dont
hate myself. its weird everyone is like oh well i hate
myself...i dont hate myself. and im not "depressed" im just
bored and annoyed and i hate everyone else. i guess thats a
bad thing too though. i dont know. its weird, ive realize
that i just keep my friends around in case i need them.
when i get bored. i know i sound like a huge bitch. but
isnt that what we all do?? i mean, seriously...its weird. i
dont know. but im happy because my bestfriend understands
that, even if people on here dont...not that people have
been responding to my stuff really. three people did. =) a
you guys rock. thanks for what you said...it all made me
feel better about a lot of stuff...the whole concept of
this online diary thing is pretty crazy if you think about
it. but i recommeded it to my drug rehab group. its a good
release. im sure it could prove benficial to a lot of
people. it seems to be helping me. =).
ani difranco is so hot. sigh. i saw her in concert...yay.
she was so fuckign great. why is it so bad to be gay. i
dont understand...its not like THAT big of a deal. you
know. like, A LOT of gay people are like OH MY GOD have i
TOLD you im GAY. you know. and that really way annoying.
its like, ohhhh well i DONT want to be treated differently,
but im going to REMIND YOU EVER fucking chance i get HOW
different i am and shit, but i just want to be treated the
same. if thats what they want then why make such a huge
fucking deal about it. you know...grrr. its like, im a
minority within a minority or something. fucked both ways i
suppose. and a lot of the times its just funny to me, but
when i really sit and think about it, itbothers me a
lot...and it really makes me sad. you know...
life goes on
it always does you know...like even if i die tomorrow, and
none of you would know, the entries would just stop and
youd be like, oh yeah well, whatever. but seriously, if i
die tomorrow. life will go on. the same with you. isnt that
weird to think about?? i mean, no matter if youre here or
not, life will continue. shit will happen. i never really
thought about that. i just assumed that when i die, every
thing would end. lol. you know. heh. i guess im just stupid
or something...its nice to come here and just ramble about
the inane shit thats in my head. heh. i hope someone
somewhere can read this and maybe it will help them. and
they wont feel so alone or something...i feel a lone a lot.
i guess it would make since that i do...but still, its not
a feeling that i like. and i end up latching on the people
that i dont really life, just so i have SOMEONE you know.
like i dont likethis girl brittany really, but im still
talking to her and stuff incase i get bored and need her.
isnt that sick? i never really thought of myself as
ahorrible person, but i guess i am. i dont know. the only
person i ever felt connect to was sandra, and she turned
out to be a complete bitch. and everything was a lie with
her anyway...fucking drama people. grr. lol. but whatever,
i guess sometimes that just the way its all suposed to be
you know...its fuckign sucks. but what exactly can you do
about any of it...become an activist?? oh yeah...everyone i
fucking know is a fucking activist. im vice president of
the amnesty international group around here, but what
exaclty have we accomplished. heh. nothing. and in the
grande scheme of things, what does any of this shit im
writing about really mean? nothing. and all the drama
people make up in their silly little lives...its all
nothing. so i guess i just live for the happy times. which
is why i try to experience everything. and just do stuff
that makes me happy. i have a health problem, which i dont
feel liek elaborating on, so ill probably die "before my
time", but im not going through treatment for it. i mean
why...? why, when if i did everything that they told me to
do, i wouldnt be able to do ANYTHIGN i want to do. you
know. its fucked up. and i would rather live my life for a
short time, than live it for along time doing nothign i
wanted to do..you know. like that jimmy buffet song "id
rather die while im living, than live while im dead." heh.
yeah i like jimmy buffet. i know im a dork. =) but
yeah...anyway, this is enough for right now i suppose. is
anyone reading this, anyway?? like that person that said
they were reading it...i hope you are. i hope someone is. i
guess this is really all any of us need...to be heard...

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