camicazy

Meshed Up
2002-03-05 01:04:04 (UTC)

a day marked by victoria bitter

today as i walked home from school, i walked past a park
with seagulls resting on the grass. two men were sitting on
a bench with a box of victoria bitter between them. they
were talking to a man. upon passing them, one of the men
yelled out to me.

'miss! do you want a beer?'

i turned, managed a small smile, and politely declined. 'no
thanks.'

'miss do you want a beer?'

'no thanks.'

'it's free!' both of them this time.

'no thanks.'

i continued walking, my back turned to them, my arms
carrying the books from school.

'maybe we can charge you! one for the first and one for the
last!'

guffaws. i completely ignored them.

it was 10 in the morning, and two men were offering free
beer. strange...

after declining, i must admit that i started to get second
thoughts. perhaps i should have just accepted the free
beer, maybe i could even ask them for a cigarette if they
have one.

last night i actually dreamed of holding a cigarette in my
hand, drinking in the smoke that slowly filled my mouth,
ran down my throat, and exploded in my lungs. i exhaled,
enjoying the menthol, the coolness that it left in me.

everything's strange. the men in the park, this craving,
this irritation that i feel for my parents..for my family.
i was disturbed last night from the idea that my older
sister will be staying in this apartment from this day
forth. i hate it. i hate the fact that she turns on the tv
and disturbs my sleep at five in the morning. i hate the
fact that she turns on the heater even when it's friggin
hot. i hate the fact that she clips her nails onto the
carpet. i hate the fact that she expects me to do her
laundry. i hate everything.

i don't know where nelson is. it seems like he's avoiding
me for reasons unknown to me as well. if only i could
harden my heart and not care. if only i could. but i can't.
i love him too much. i don't think i'll ever stop loving
him.

i told myself not to text him today, nor to leave a message
on his icq. i told myself to just keep silent. if he
doesn't wish to talk to me then why force myself on him?
it's 11.48 in the morning right now. i have to control
myself for another 13 hours.

all these thoughts came to me because of that incident in
the park. if only i could just drink and lose myself in the
bittersweet feeling of drinking. if only i could push all
these thoughts away. if only i could run. and run. and run.

if only i can live in a world where nothing gets on my
nerves. if only i don't have to deal with family. if only i
don't have to feel this sadness. if only i don't have to
feel this helplessness. if only i can change the world.

heaven holds a sense of wonder
and i wanted to believe that i get caught up
when the rage in me subsides
in this white wave i am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave in this silence
i believe

i am sinking in this silence. in this world where the
strongest survives, in this silence i believe.

i will be great one day. i will hold the world in my hands,
unfold it and spread it out before me. i will live and
love. climb the highest mountain, reach the farthest star.
i will live.