humming bird

my F***ed up head
2001-05-07 21:58:14 (UTC)

so many oh so weird things

hi to anyone who is reading which by the way i thank u for
if you give me feedback.... so now i have no idea where to
start cuz this is my first journal entry i duno but
ok...here goes: ok so i am only 15 and some stuff sux- but
i gotta say the worst is being misunderstood. You know, i
mean no one really knows how u think or what is going thru
someone elses head ever and they jump to conclusions about
the person. i mean i know i am being hypocritical in saying
that but everyone is a hypocrit in one way or another. Like
ok, i liked this kid tony and he liked me and my other
friend liked him to and i ended up goin out with him and of
course i came off as the bitch in that whole thing but she
got mad bc i didnt talk to her about it and she thought
that i just thought she was like nothing or something and
that is so not true it is just that i liked him and i was
gonna talk to her about it but i never got the chance to do
it on my own bc i i ended up getting a lecture from a diff
friend about the whole thing...and i mean the only part
that bothered me is that they thought i was that much of an
inconsiderate bitch that i was just gonna do that without a
second thought. and thne so yeah blah bloah blah i ended up
goin out witt his kid tony for like i dunno 4 days cuz i
liked someone else...i like this kid matt (matt is another
part that will be told about later on tho)... so i was
being all distant from tony cuz i just wasnt comfortable
with him and i didnt want to be all cuddly cuddly and be
thinkin of someone else and be making him think everything
was fine when it really wasnt and i know i should have told
him about it but yeah well my friend kristina(she is the
one who had liked him too b4 i went out with him)told him
that i liked another guy...i told her to do that tho and
that was all fine i am happy that we ended up breaking up
and kristina likes tony and tony likes her but she also
likes another guy eric too so she doesnt know if she is
gonna go out with tony and that is good cuz i dont want her
to do anything she will regret or antyhing that will get
her hurt in the end...but yeah she like hated me for the
way i was to tony while we were goin out cuz i like didnt
talk to him a whole lot cuz i just wasnt comfortable around
him while we were goin out but i was b4 we were goin
out.and i dunno i felt bad but i didnt know what to do i
didnt know how to act so i just did that.
ok now here is the matt thing. see i went out with matt b4
and i shoulda known it would end badly. we started goin out
on friday the thirteenth in october on the night of a full
moon...how fun right?! it wasnt really a bad breakup but
the reason was bad... ok so i went out with him adn he as
one of those guys that i just liked so much and i was so
happy all the time and i looked forward to seeing him and i
loved it when he would like stand with his arms around me
and god was he a good kisser....the best kiss i have ever
shared with a guy was with him while standing in line at a
haunted house...the second best was also with him in the
back of my friends car while her bro was driving. but yeah
we only went out for a month but it was just like where it
feels like love but it really isnt and u know that, and u
know that u shuldnt get attached but u do anywayz and where
like u like him from the first time u talk to him or see
him...god r those the WORST types of crushes for me i
always end up getting hurt...but so anywayz one night we
were at his house and we were making out blah blah blah and
he tried to go south if u know what i mean and i didnt let
him and he seemed to be ok with it at the time but then 2
days later he dumped me and he had told all his friends
about it and like so many other ppl found out i was like
wtf but yeah we were friends and then i went out with eric
and i made the horrible mistake of cheating on him and if i
could take that bakc i would i feel so bad for how i hurt
him and how much it costed me but eric is such a good guy
and he didnt deserve that he was so good to me and i felt
so horrible i oculdnt believe that i had done it when it
was all over ( it was with another one of my ex's luke)and
after that all of those guys that i use to hang out with -
jason,matt,kwak,eric,another eric,justin, dan, etc- all
like hated me without a dounbt and we stopped hangin out
and then the other week we started hanging out again and i
never knew how much i missed them and i started liking matt
and matt says he has a thing for me....a thing! a
thing?!?!?!!? what is that suppose to mean a thing?! so i
dunno i have no idea what is happening cz matt likes this
other girl lindsey and she likes him and he sai he was
gonna ask her out til he found out bout me liking him and i
mean waht is that spose to mean why didnt he jsut do it
unless he expects something to happen between us which wuld
be nice but prolly wont end up happeneing and yeah i am
stupid for liking a guy that dumped me cuz i am to prude
but he is one of those guys who knows how to make u like
him. so i dunno what to do bout that whole thing.
ok and also lately i dont know why but i havent been able
to stop thinking about my gramps....see the last tme i saw
him was on valentines day, he was laying in a hospital bed
dying. he had cancer and his one lung had gone completely,
he couldnt use it it was like a dead organ inside of hima
dn the other lung he was only able to use one fourth of it,
he had cancer in various places and was only spose o live
for a few days even tho he did for a few weekx...and he had
had cancer b4 and then they said it was gone and that he
had gone into remission and then we find out that it wasnt
gone and it had actually jsut spread to the rest of his
body and that there wasnt anything they could do. so after
one of my dances my family went down there to be wit
him...i hated it i hated seeing him be in a hospital bed
and not able to move, he was one of those guys who couldnt
sit still for like 3 minutes he always had to be doing
something...and he and my grams had been married for over
50 years he was her whole life and now she has no one, she
was saying how she hated it bc for every other part of hs
life if he had a problem she cuold help or fix it and now
there wasnt anything she could do but pray that his
suffering was over soon...she asked him one day if he could
see the light and he kept saying yeah and she jsut told him
to go to it that he had nothing else to do here and it was
ok for him to go and it was the saddest thing i have ever
experienced.....all thru this whole time kristina was with
me...but it has been almost 3 months and i miss him more
then anything his hugs were the best...and every time we
went to visit them when we left he wouldnt say good bye, he
would say see ya later, he said that good bye was to final,
and i cry myself to sleep so much thinking about him and i
have a pic of him on my wall and there isnt a day that goes
by when i dont think about him, i wont let myself not think
about him bc i feel like if i do then i will forget him, i
will always have the picture of him in the hospital bed the
mroning i left, the last time i ever saw him imprinted in
my mind for the rest of my life, and when he held my hand
and when one of the preachers came in and they had a cowboy
hat ( they live in west virginia major hickville) and he
was there to say a prayer and my gramps took his hat and
put it on his head, and how the first thing he said to us
when we got there was hello hello hello, three times just
liek that, and i will never forget how much my brother
cried,and how my family was all out in the hall and my
grmas and gramps were in the hospital room and the preacher
said "they have had 55 years together so let them have
another five minutes" i cant even imagine how it must have
been for my grams, imagine your whole life, the man u had
been with for 55 years jsut being taken away from u, that u
would have to sit there and watch it slip away, he had
gotten kinda delirious by the time we had left and my grams
kept saying "thats not him it's just his shell lying there"
me and kristina always talk about the lil things bout him,
his suspenders he always wore, his ruler ones and his
rainbow ones in particular, how he never said good bye, the
way he walked and talked, how he alwys burned the garbage,
what his dogs r gonna do without him, how he always use to
stand by the sink and how he always sat at the one place at
the table and how his oxygen tank always beeped in the
middle of the night and how he watched wheel of fortune and
then price is right and stuff like that and how he went to
bed at like 8 but wok up at lik 5, all that stuff, i dnno
but i really gotta go and if u have read this all the way
thru then u either have alot of time on ur hands or i had
more interesting stuff to say then i thought...but i really
gotta go, so until my next entry, adios
luv, julie




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