Thoughts from Blue Angel
2002-03-04 16:01:51 (UTC)

Why Am I Unhappy?

Everything in my life is going well right now. Tyler and I
are still seeing each other. I got a bid from the sorority
I wanted to join. (I can't believe I got nominated without
having to rush!) I'm getting along with the people on my
floor again, and I'm making lots of new friends. I've got
straight A's at midterm, including a 97% in that class I've
been promising to nail.

So why have I been crying myself to sleep every night? Why
do I hit the snooze button so many times every morning even
though I've had plenty of sleep? Why do I have no
motivation to get up?

Last night, I couldn't go to sleep because thoughts of what
it would be like to never wake up kept running through my
head. I tried to stop thinking about it, but the thoughts
came anyway... like a bad movie.

This happens every year around this time. I get so
stressed. Everything bothers me. Everyone irritates me
and hurts my feelings. I just want to sit in my room and
never come out.

I must admit, this year has been better than any have been
for a few years now, and I almost thought I'd escaped it.
But it's starting to come on strong.

What makes it worse is that I dread it, because I know what
it's like. It's a very distinct feeling. When I am upset
or frustrated at this time of the year, I feel helpless and
overwhelmed. And it feels as if there's no real root to
the problem- or even a specific problem. And even if
everything in my life were 100% perfect, I'd still be upset.

I feel so fat today. I got on the scale this morning and I
weigh exactly the same as I did before I started losing
weight last summer. Why did I let this happen? I am such
a fucking lazy idiot. I wish I had the discipline to
starve myself for it.