blueboyr

lost in the dark
2002-03-04 07:06:04 (UTC)

Restless...

Hey Entry. Tonight I am restless. I had about 10 million
things going through my head all at once. Trying to sleep
is almost out of the question. I lay in bed with my eyes
closed but too no end there is no sleep. I think that this
is going to be one long night. Work comes early in the
morning. I am thankful that it is slow at work, and being
able to slack alittle bit will help.
Work is part of the problem that I am thinking of. Y is it
that I am not able to communate with people in the second
langauge, for somereason I am able to talk to myself daily
in French when I am alone. But, in the presence of other
poeple for the life of me I am not able to think of a word.
Even though I know that it will increase the chances of me
moving ahead with in the company. I will see if I can
change that one. I know what I need to do, and the hardest
part is actauly opening the mouth to start.
Another thought that is on my mind tonight is family. This
happens from time to time. My twin I have not seen on-line
for awhile. Just wondering if he lost connection to the net
again. It will be soon enough time to call him again. And
the reminds me to call me Sister April as well, and see how
that part of the family is doing.
One thing that I will have to mention here is something
that I did not expect to happen. I was messaged one night
from an old flame. She was messagin me about weird stuff
that was in the past. I am not even too sure Y she would
start messaging me. I actually enjoyed talking to her and
seeing that she was doing what we talked about soo many
times when I was with her. And about things that we both
are doing now. I even heard about things that she wanted to
do. Getting a house, going for a trip over to the UK. I
would have liked to be the one that was with her when she
found her fathers family. I know that, I was not all that
much of a postive motivation in her life. I know that I
could have done things differently. There are times that
when I think back and shake my head, at how stupid I was.
There is nothing like something like this happening. I
thought that I was finally over her. And then I this had to
happen. One question that was asked of me when I was
talking to her. She asked me, "If I hated her?" How could I
answer this truefully ? How could I hate the woman that I
thought that was the light of my life. Shattered dreams.
Shattered Life. Pick up the peices as best as possible and
move on. Dust under the carpet.
I have tried to look for something that might come close
to what I once had. But, I find that it is hard to find
someone that was that compatable to me. Homour, style,
dreams, pleasures, intellect, energy, life, craziness. I
have found some qualities in some people that I have meet
since. But, there is always something missing, a feeling of
something that is not right. My list is not long and to
fill it is not hard. It is just finding someone that
matches me. Is there another one out there or am I going to
have to settle for an emptiness.
I know that there is probably someone out there that is so
close to what I want that I can't see it anymore. There is
one that I would like to try and see if there is a
possiblity of anything. The thing is that I am not even too
sure if she know's that I am a live. I sound as if I am
back in school, looking at the prep girl across the room.
And knowing that there is no change in hell to even getting
her to notice me. When I look apon this face, I am filled
with dread. I become this little school boy all over again.
To approuch brings back all the feelings of that school boy
nervousness. This is a perail that I will have to figure
out. In the mean time, I will hope that she comes to me, or
untill I find the courage to see if there is anything there.

Work comes early and it is 2 am. 5 hours tops if I fall a
sleep as soon as I hit the bed. But, with things that are
still zooming through this drain of mine. I don't think
that I am going to get all that much sleep.

"I want to help you in your road of life,
I want to take the pain that you are feeling,
I want you to know that there is much to life,
I want you to know that there is Love,
I want you to know peace for awhile,
I want to show you the world through my eyes,
I want to see the world through your eyes,
I want you to wake and know that you are not alone."

Lost in the Dark...