2001-05-07 17:18:13 (UTC)

okay, so i haven t written in a..

okay, so i haven't written in a while. i'm kinda pissed
because my last entry, if you didn't notice, got eaten by the
computer or the website or something... i don't know what. i
also have been fairly busy and this page doesn't seem to like
working on my browser at home. so here i write this instead
of paying attention to announcements in homeroom. they are
kinda funny/weird, they just switched over from oral
announcements on the loudspeaker to installing tv's in all
the rooms and having a tv/broadcast team that does
annoucements and "feature" videotapes. just played one on the
dance classes. ::sigh:: sometimes i wonder why i quit dance.
i loved to dance. i wonder if i could do that again. it
stinks that there are so few classes round for teens. seems
that way to me at least. i can't find anything that i'd fit
in; either i'm too old or too young, too inexperienced or
just want weird classes that no one offers. and i WANT to do
something this summer too. i don't like being bored. haha, i
was thinking that i should take a math class this summer, so
that maybe i'll understand all that i did this last semester,
that i might remember some stuff for next year. maybe i
should talk to my math teacher. isn't this helpful, the day
before a test and only two weeks from finals that i'm finally
realizing flunking tests didn't do much of anything????
spanish is the same too, but i LIKE spanish, i want to do
well in it, so it's even more of a bummer. i want to take a
spanish class over the summer too maybe if i can find one, so
i force myself to learn those conjugations (imperfect is ar :
aba, abas, aba, abamos, aban (accent mark over first a in
fourth category) er/ir: ia, ias, ia, iamos, ian (accent marks
over i in all categories, as i just learned the hard way O_o)
and maybe ask more questions. i need to probably just have
the class later in the day. i can't stay awake second period.

and i spew all this because i don't want to think about my
presentation in religion next period or my other problems.

i don't want to think about ian, but i must. i have to figure
out what i'm going to say and working it out on paper in this
random internet diary anyone can see who wants to see is
better than putting it on a piece of paper that someone i
know can take and just tell the whole world with. haha, i
beat them.

so yes, hmm...

i think my main problem still is and has always been that
part of me doesn't feel i can love him. like, the whole
religion thing. i believe that if he doesn't believe what i
do, he's going to hell. and i guess i just can't allow myself
to love him that much and NOT save him. you know what i'm
saying? no, you don't, i'm being way confusing. i'm trying to
say that i always would look at couples that were married but
didn't share religions, and say "how can you love someone
enough to marry them but not to save their eternal soul???"
and that's how i feel. i can't let myself love him that much
because then i'll start preaching to him, because then i'll
try to convert him because i can't let him be hurt, i don't
want him to have that kinda fate. and i want him to believe
what i believe. to live the life. to walk the way.

gtg to class now, bai