a little piece of me
2002-03-04 04:19:27 (UTC)

just can't win

had yet another argument with brett tonight. he asked if i
was still mad at him. i should have just said no. should
have kept my mouth shut. i can never say the right thing
with him. instead, i said 'does it matter?'. that
definitely didn't help things. he gets upset with me if i
get mad at him. i tell him i'm sorry, he gets mad at me
for that. wants to know why i can't ever be right. i say,
ok, i am. then he gets mad about that. i just don't know
what to do. why am i such a fuck up? i guess i have to
make myself numb again.

ended up cutting again today. just feel like such a loser
today. such a failure. my arm's pretty messed up. i
really shouldn't do it, but it's the only way to make me
feel better sometimes. now i just feel like i let myself
down again...i'm so weak i can't get through anything on my
own. i let everyone else down, too. for once i'd like to
feel like i did something right. not gonna happen, cause i
don't think i'm capable of that.

alright, i think i'm going to go to bed real soon. only
way for me to get through today has been to sleep...