Fuchsia

There's life down below me though.
2002-03-04 03:42:59 (UTC)

retroactive dreaming

last night i had dreams that people were dying, they were
being executed and i had to see their faces before some
militant force killed them before my eyes. lots of people,
standing around scared, and sad. and i woke up. and i
haven't really been very happy since then.

i remember in my dream i kept crossing myself, and praying
for god to take care of their souls, each one as they died.
and today i kept feeling myself want to pray. i felt it
heavy in my chest that i needed to and i haven't just yet. i
started to pray the other night. 1 a.m. and i was waiting
for the cab to come. i was scared and that's why. better get
on god's good side just in case i'm susceptible to being
attacked.

i have been so moody around jonathan, just because i haven't
had enough time away from him to get it out of my system. i
was nearly in tears this afternoon, right before work when
emily came to talk with me. i was mad about having to go
through this stress of a new job, on top of school. on top
of everything. new schools, school job, asshole people. it's
all a bit overwhelming... and i'm starting to feel that
tired wanting to escape, fall into a nap to forget life and
all the responsibilities. that, my friend, is called
depression... and i just need to get my shit together.

i was walking downtown toward work, pissed off, border line
tears, and i was thinking about kris delmhorst. it's people
i know like her, like my mom, like my aunt jan who remind of
a life that hasn't been so intense and stressful as mine.
they've been okay with being little birds, no pressure to be
that 747. they just walk through life feeling and fucking
up, and that's life. it's what i was trying to explain to
karla on the bus, at a moment when i was feeling
intellectually elevated. that there are no mistakes, it's
just the next step toward something better, something worse
that will lead to something better. when it's all about
fate. it makes life look simpler, like a strange puzzle and
everything we choose to do fits into some bigger picture.
every decision that we face, and make. and when something
fucks up, just think of another scenario that could be so
much worse. and at least we can see the choices we've made.
we can look at them and hold on to them, and the
alternatives are vague and unknowing. they are just dreams.
they only count if you make them real tomorrow. no dream is
retroactive.

i don't know. i never do when i feel like this. it really is
just a matter of surviving it. getting through the lowest
parts to remember how good it can get eventually. i was kind
of in a daze at work today. a rather unconcerned state of
consciousness, where i was taking in all the information but
every once in awhile, i'd think of jonathan, and it was like
some intense concentrated feeling, happiness, satisfaction,
comfort and all my dreams seeping into me. that made me want
to melt and live at the same time.

so... i'll think of how lucky i am tonight. i'm in love.
i've got a future to look forward to. i've got the whole
world stretched out before me, enough for me to see my next
couple steps ahead.