my so called life
2002-03-03 20:38:14 (UTC)

The longest entry ever

No excuses, you knew I'd come back and love you forever.
(Quote Morten Abel - a norwegian popstar. Listen to his
music. You'll find it on audiogalaxy or something).
I promised you I'd tell you what happened that Saturday
almost a month ago. But first I have to tell you about the
weeks before that Saturday(Confused? you want a date? It
was Saturday 9th of February. Just for the record;).Ok..
I've been in a pretty great mood lately, I'm not sure why.
If I believed in God, I would have said that Carl is my
angel sent from God to make sure that I'm okay. He's so
sweet and he is ALWAYS nice to me. He's always nice to
everyone, actually. I told him that he's too nice, and that
everyone needs to be mean sometimes. He said that he is
mean sometimes, but I doubt that! :)
Well, I had almost no contact with Ben. I did think about
him pretty often, but we hardly talked for two weeks. One
day in chemistry class we started talking and we were all
flirty and I was like sheese.. he makes me feel so insecure
sometimes, it's crazy!
So I went out the Saturday before the 9th (the 2nd)and it
was a lot of fun. Me and Tiff were sitting in the bar,
laughing a lot, talking to a lot of weird guys. I met Leo..
I know I was supposed to stay away from him, but for some
reason I'm drawn to him. I was actually on my way home when
I met him and PJ. Leo was like you're not going home,
you're going with us!
I don't know what it is with this boy that I find so
interessting or why am I so draw to him [John Cage: - I'm
drawn to that woman].
I remember when I first noticed Leo.. It was our first year
in secondary modern school and we played ball against Leo's
class. He hit me with the ball and he was like tall and all
smiles and I was like wow, he's hot! He was totally out of
my leauge. I was the good girl, the smart girl, not the
girl boys are interessted in when they're 14. Well, I
didn't know him back then. When we started upper secondary
school (or whatever, we don't have the same systems as they
have in England or in the US) we got in the same class. So
I got to know him. He's not as popular as he used to be,
and I'm not just the smart girl anymore. I try to keep an
intelligent profile, tho :D Anyway, he's not out of my
leuage anymore. So I talked with them for a while and then
PJ wanted a hot dog and went to buy one. He was kind of
grumpy, I don't know why, but I can only imagine. Leo is
the one who gets the girls and PJ is 'just Leo's friend'. I
used to flirt a bit with PJ because I think he's funny, but
I'm not attracted to him. So I guess he's kind of sick of
me. Before he went to buy the hot dog, they were sitting on
a bench and I was standing in front them. I sat down at
Leo's lap and he put his arms around me. When PJ left, Leo
and I followed him. We walked like ten meteres behind him
and Leo was holding my hand. We were talking about school
and stuff.. Leo was in my class for two years, but he's not
this year. He quit and attended this college-thing where
you don't need to have finished school to get in. He's
studying physics and maths, but he thinks it's pretty hard.
As you might know, I study maths, physics and chemistry. So
we talked a bit about that, and I was like it's gonna be
all right, you know :) Leo wanted me to go with him and PJ
to a nachspiel. I know what that means. At their nachspiels
there's like five people or something, and most of their
friends smoke weed, so they just sit around and are dull.
So didn't want to go. I wanted them to walk me home, but PJ
was like NO WAY. Poor guy, he must be sick of just tagging
along after Leo. So Leo said that's it, you're going with
us. He went to get a cab and we all got in. When we got to
where I live, I told the driver to pull over and I got out.
I said good night to they boys and Leo looked disappointed.
I am indeed drawn to Leo, but I didn't want to go home with
him.. why?
When I got home, I went to the bathroom and got ready for
bed. When I got to my room, I saw that I had gotten a
message on my cell. It was from Leo. I don't think he's
sent me messages since last year. 'So, you're home now, you
coward?' I replied : 'Yeah, I'm about to go to sleep in my
WARM and nice bed, and I'm so glad I'm home.' I got: 'Home
is overrated. We're having a blast.. eh..'back. I was
wearing this belt and it was totally stuck. I was wondering
if I had to sleep with my pants on. I wrote : 'I'm sure you
are.. I would go to sleep now if my belt wasn't stuck. I
wish I had muscles.' After that I fixed my belt and fell
asleep. When I woke up the next morning, there were two new
messages. 'I'm not going to say anything lame now, you can
picture what it would be.' [about me not getting my pants
off] and 'My bed is warmer than yours.'
Ok, it's kind of obvious that he wanted me to go home with
him. Isn't it weird that I didn't when I'm attracted to
him? You know what? I want Ben. I want Ben, and he's the
only guy I want. I want him more than anything. I didn't
reply on those messages since I had a terrible hangover and
everything that happened when you were drunk, seems weird
the next morning.
The next weekend was Steve's birthday. He's 20.. whoppii!
When I got there, Geri and this girl, Shirley, were sitting
outside. I don't know Shirley, but I've heard a lot about
her. Geri is my friend and Steve's girlfriend and Steve is
my friend who used to be in love with me, if you didn't
remember or haven't read my diary before. Steve and Shirley
have been friends for a long time and I think she's kind of
interessted in him. She's got a boyfriend (this WEIRD guy),
but still.. She lived in the US last year and in one of her
letters to Steve she sent a picture of herself sitting on
her bed. She wore a really short skirt and most of her legs
were showing. Geri, insecure as she is, was like OH MY GOD,
she's hacked up her skirt and she wants my boyfriend. And
when I arrived at Steve's, Geri and Shirley were sitting
there looking like bestfriends. I was like whatever. People
are shallow and artificial sometimes. When I got inside, I
saw Tom. Oh great! I went and sat down with Bella and Ally.
After a while Ben got there. Sheese, he's cute!!
Well, Steve's party wasn't like great, but it was ok. Tom
sat down next to me after a while and started asking me why
I never smile when he's around anymore. What was I to say?
You know, I'm not attracted to you anymore, so when you're
acting like a dick, I don't think it's charming, I think
you're just a DICK? What on earth did I see in that guy???
After a while Jim and Ben got really sick of the music..
Ally's alway playing stuff like Destiny's Child and Kylie.
Jim was like it's ok to watch them on telly, but their
music suck! So Bella, Jim, Ben and I went downstairs and
put on Morten Abel. We were going to his concert the next
weekend :) Steve and Geri came too. We were just sitting
around the kitchentable talking, listening to the music.
Jim and I like pretty much the same music. Bella found a
pen and drew a heart on her hand. She wrote Ben in it. I
was like grrr ;) Then she drew a heart on Ben's hand wrote
Bella in it. I was like GRRRR. Then she wanted to draw a
heart with Jim in it on my hand. I was like NO WAY. Jim and
I have a history.. I'll write about that some other time.
Bella's sweet, but she's weird too.. in a good way, most of
the time :) She found this fake snake and put it around her
neck. She named it after this guy she met in Spain who was
coming to visit her (he's norwegian as well). Later we went
to the club. Jim, Ben, Bella and I rode by bus. As we were
standing at the busstop, it was freezing and Ben wanted us
to keep him warm. Bella did and he told me to put my arms
around him too. He was like 'I've got'em right where I
want'em.' HAH, NO WAY. So I put my arms around Jim instead.
Ben was like damn, and Bella let go of him. HAHAHAHA.
Well, everything was cool at the club, I was kind of drunk
and when you're drunk things tend to be cool ;) I met a
friend of my brother's and this guy who used to be my
teacher! lol
Tiff was drinking my beer and I was like, hey you
parasite:D She got it all wrong and said sorry and stuff. I
told her it was only a joke. Suddenly she had bought me a
beer. I was like oh no! I didn't mean it like that, Tiff!
She said : 'I know. This is because I can tell you
everything, you're a great listener and a bestfriend.'
Oh my god, that almost made me cry!
I talked with Ben too. He was saying that everything
sucked, he wasn't drunk enough and the club was lame and
blah blah blah. I told him that he's dumb and you don't
have to be drunk to have fun and that he was ruining my
evening by acting like a fool. 'I don't need to be drunk to
have fun', he said. He started talking about this summer
when we made out and stuff. I was like let's not talk about
that..! I'm trying to act like I don't want him.. eh..
right! Then he said something about new year's eve, and
since he's been telling everyone about that night, I
said : 'oh yeah, you and me on a couch'. I said it in a
sarcastic tone and he asked if that was how I felt. 'I was
feeling sick, remember?' I said. 'Yeah, but if you weren't,
you would have had a good time, right?' I was like
sheese.. 'Yeah, sure..'
When the club closed, we went outside. This is when things
started happening..! :)
It was snowing and Tiff and Silvia were standing at the top
of the stairs talking to the teacher-guy, there's something
between him and Tiff (he's like 10 years older than her and
she's got a boyfriend, my friend Evan.. I KNOW!!). Ally was
talking with her ex, and Ben and I were standing under this
roof-thing at the bottom of the stairs. We were talking
bull and I said that I didn't want to WALK home alone in
the snow. I asked if he'd follow me. 'Sure,' he said, ' but
how would I get home?'. It takes like 10 minutes to drive
from his place to mine. 'I wouldn't care :D' I said. He
asked if he could have stayed at my place. I was like
suuure. 'I bet I would have had to sleep on the couch'. 'Of
course you could have slept in my bed' I said and grinned.
He was like really? lol
'Well, that's great! Let's go.' So we started walking
towards my place. I knew that he wasn't going to sleep over
at my place, we both did. My mom was home and he'd promised
his dad that they'd go skiing the next morning, so he had
to go home. He was like 'it's too bad, but if not, I would
have stayed. Another time.. another place..'
The whole thing was bizarre. 'There'll be opportunities,
you know..' he said. SHEESE OH MY GOD WOHOOO
'Well, we're russ soon' I said. 'Yeah, and your parents go
away this time of year, don't they?' My parents usually go
to spain or something this time of year. They're actually
planning it right now.. I was like yeah, maybe.. 'ok.. then
it's a deal.. If we get the chance, we'll do it' he said.
SHEEEEESEEE. I was like Okay.. He shook my hand and stuff
and said he wouldn't forget. I won't either, I said. HELL
NO, I'll never forget!! :D
It was late and I was cold (he did put his arms around me
for a while, but still) so we decided to go home. Not
together, tho. He borrowed this guy Stephan's phone and
tried to call someone who'd pick him up. I got really close
to him and said 'sure you don't wanna go home with me?'.
I'm such a slut ;) 'Oh, don't tempt me...'
Ok, so I know for sure he wants my body :P
And SHEESE I want his body too.. The problem is however..
there's always a problem, you know. If he's just physically
attracted to me, is that enough? When I told Lucy about
this, she asked if I'd take him home with me if was home
alone.. and you know, I probably would have.. If you get
intimate with someone you've got feelings for and they
just.. lust you, it's easy to get hurt.. but I'm 90%
physically attracted to him and like 10% of me want him for
his mind.. or is that just something I tell myself because
I'm afraid of falling in love? I don't know..
Well, I finally left him and afterwards I've been
thinking.. it's crazy.. we actually made an agreement that
we'll have sex if we get the chance.. that's just crazy.
Well, a lot more has happened, but I think this is enough
for now..
I'll write more some other time..
Good night :)
- Crazy Cath -