still single

sick of all the sh*t
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2002-03-03 19:16:52 (UTC)

Too stressed to think

I don't know where to begin...I am an idiot and that's all
there is to it. I'm back together with my ex boyfriend who
I can't talk to about anything without him yelling at me.
To top it all off I'm fucking pregnant and broke. He is
staying with me temporarily and he isn't working right now
(quit his job last week) and seems to think I'm made of
money and his pot supplier. I can barely make rent and my
car pmt because he needs gas, money, etc. I am so stressed
out because I have to deal with being pregnant on top of it
Well he just noticed I was writing so of course he smacks
me upside the head because you know, I'm just a piece of
shit. I haven't made an appt to have an abortion yet
because I'd like to talk to him about it but I can't. I
have quit taking my medication (for depression and anxiety)
because I wasn't sure what I was going to do but I really
don't have a choice. I now in my heart that he does not
love me and only wants me to have this baby, if he still
even does, because he wants someone to love him
unconditionally. He is very insecure and emotionally
immature. I so deserve what is happening right now. I was
doing so well after surgery and then I don't know what I
was thinking. I know I will be happy again but I wish he
could be happy with me. I wish he wouldn't upset me because
he doesn't understand what I am going through. Anyway He of
course is taking off now because I am upset and hurting. I
don't know if I'm even gonna save this diary entry because
I'm too embarrassed. What the hell. I am probably not
making any sense but I will write later. He is leaving now
because that is what he does in lieu of talking to me.