the life of me
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2002-03-03 18:53:25 (UTC)

updates 3-3-02

ok... so, since this is my first entry i should probably
get ya'll updated on what's been going on. ok... first off
lemme introduce myself. i'm lynsey. no last names will be
used in here though... could be freaky internet stockers or
something. so yea, i'm lynsey. i'm 15. i'm a sophomore in
high school and here's my life...
ok, let's start at the beginning. last year, my freshman
year in high school, i came to a new school. it was a big
thing for me cuz i came from this little school where i
knew everyone and thought i had my life all planned out, to
this HUGE school where i knew no one and had to start at
the bottom in planning my future. it was devistating. i
thought for sure my life was over. but really, it was the
begining of my life. first day at this new school i met
someone who changed, and continues to change my life. my
best friend, russy. he's the greatest guy i've ever met.
though at times a bit confusing :). i met this guy on that
first day of school. we had 6th period algebra together and
he sat right next to me. with a smile and an outreached
hand (for a handshake) he opened my eyes to something i'd
never seen. a friendship with a guy that i could be proud
of. someone who i could tell my deepest, darkest secrets to
and who would still love me at the end of the day. it took
a while for us to become good friends, we were only casual
accuantences (i can't spell :) heheh) for a while. but
soon, with my developing crush on him, we spent more and
more time together outside of class. soon i was in full-
blown crush mode. i'd never had it so bad. it was like
everything i'd ever wished for in a guy was right there in
him. for the rest of the school year (about mid-september
to june) i was completely and utterly "in love" with him.
but i didn't tell myself thatt. i told myself that i'd
gotten over him. i even had a boyfriend that year. it was a
short relatiionship though, only lasted 2 months. but after
i came out of that relationship i realized how much i still
cared for russ. how could i tell him though? he didn't even
know ever liked him in the first place, let along AGAIN! it
was a mess. over the summer i tried my very hardest to get
over this guy. i told myself that a potential relationship
w/ him could ruin the one we already had. and i wasn't
willing to lose him as a friend. so i told myself, once
again, that i was over him. another relationship found its
way to me and i dated this guy for about 2 months too. but
once again, i didn't find what i was looking for in him and
the old "russy feelings" resurfaced. but i didn't recognize
them. i didn't tell anyone that they were there. not even
my journal that i had here at my house. i kept it inside
thinking that if i ignored it... maybe it would die out and
go away. but it only grew stronger when he told me
something about a month ago that changed my heart
forever. "lynsey, i like you!" he said it so honestly too.
i could tell he meant it. i didn't know what to say. i just
sort of stuttered through my sentences and said "oh" a
whole lot ( :) hehehe). what else COULD i say??? we talked
for a long time that afternoon (it was a tuesday, after
school) and then sat together at a basketball game that
night. i was floating. i felt, literally, lighter than air.
he liked ME! it couldn't have worked out better if i'd
brainwashed him. but the next day he said "i just wanna be
friends, i don't wanna ruin our friendship..." blah blah
blah. all that stuff... but when he wrote me an email
calling me "sweety" and saying i was his "hunny bunches of
oats." i questioned that statement. anyways, things were
great for about a week. *sigh* the week of valentines
day... the best week of my life. but my "happy bubble"
popped ON valentine's day! it started out great. russ gave
me this little tedy bear (that i named Elsker, which is
Norweigan for "love")... we talked, everything was great.
and when he wanted to talk to me after school... i was sure
the big moment had come. but i was wrong. it turned out
that all he wanted to say was that we should just be
friends. i think i broke the world record for a heart
shattered into the most peices in the least amount of time.
i told him i was ok, that i understood. even though i
really didn't. i went into the girls bathroom after he
left, and i wept. i held the little bear he'd given me and
squeezed it till i was almost sure the seems were going to
burst. i cried and i cried. i got home and i cried some
more. i'm not sure how i got through the next day w/ out
bursting into tears everytime i saw him, but i somehow
managed to do it. but i DIDN'T manage to keep myself from
making myself sick about it. i threw up in the bathroom
after second period and spent the rest of the day laying
around my dad's classroom (he's a teacher at my high
school). well, that's pretty much the story. since then
russ and i have been tiptoeing around each other, but it
gets less ackward everday. i'm still hopelessly in love w/
him. and i've decided that i HAVE to tell him. he's my best
frined... i used to tell him everything. so i've gotta tell
him this. thanx for listening. bye.

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