wlcm2mcdnlds

wlcm2mcdnlds
2002-03-03 14:50:41 (UTC)

suzanne

Suzi and i our drifting. i can feel it. before we had all
these inside jokes and so many funny things that we had
done. but its been over 2 weeks since we've talked and
each week she is with her skool friends 24/7 and laughs
and jokes and cries and confides in them. not me. its not
becca any more its all these other ppl. i kno i am being
overly selfish and i should be happy that she has sooo
many friends and memories and ect. but it just makes me
sadder and sadder. i dont want to drift away from her. i
dont want to loose my best friend to all these strangers,
but i feel like i am. over the summer and last year she
and i did almost everything together. and every survey
that she made and filled out, becca was written in more
then 3 spaces. and now i'm not even mentioned. i guess i'm
jealous of her because she has the skool experiance that i
long for and envy. her friends love her and she fits in
and she has so much fun every day and wishes that skool
would last forever! whereas i wish everyday that i didnt
have to go to skool and when i come home i'm so happy for
it to be over, yet i'm dreading the next day. my friends
fill the skool halls with laughter and they mostlikely
think of me as a burden on all their fun. i am quite and
shy and i never reachout and laugh along with them. they
pick me on their teams because they feel guilty if they
dont and i'm one of the best athletes. at lunch they all
sit together and talk endlessly. their memories will
consist of happiness and of joy and laughter and friends.
whereas mine will consist of loneliness and solitude and
small conversations. i find myself wondering what to say
and my heart pounds as i try to memorize the conversation
that i'm going to have. then before i can urge myself into
saying even a "hi" or "guess what!?" the period is over
and the time i had is over. at lunch i eat and then stare
at the friends walking by and at the birds outside. i find
myself wondering about the trees and why geese fly in
a 'V' and why i am so shy and scared of my friends. then i
am so bored i ask for $.50 and rush to the ice cream to
fill my heartache. the boys are even worse. they make me
want to scream in terror and anger at their roaming eyes
and quick comebacks. and their abercrombie faces. all of
this just makes me want to stay safely tucked away from
the world in my bed and pillows with my teddy bear and
dream of the world i long for. where i am so popular and
kind and i'm the one worrying about who to talk to, and
about saying too much insted of what to say. a world where
i am the one who is envied and where ppl are wishing that
they were me insted of vica versa. when i come home from
skool i then explode with words and laughter and so much
fun that i find myself forgetting my crappy day. my
parents and siblings and bff's think i must be popular at
skool and have so many friends and intertain grouds at a
time. and i have not the heart to set them straight. and
then i find myself wishing and wanting for a different
childhood and a different life. but then i realise how
selfish i must be and realise how many good things have
touched my life. but then i have to go back to skool. and
my day just starts all over again.




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