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2002-03-03 14:50:01 (UTC)

Noise

oh god, shes mad i guess. or just pissed off. i would be
too if i had to answer jacob's phone calls over and over
and over and over again!! hes not that cute girls!!!! ugh.
he shows off for all his little friends and its really
annoying when they think ignoring athority is "awesome".

okay then i have to calm down. IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!! WE'RE
OFF ON MONDAY!!! THERES A CHANCE OF SNOW!!!! i am so
happy! i dont really hate smms but i wouldnt want to go
there another year. it's full of preps and the people are,
well.... judging and mean and friendly! i kno it doesnt
make sense. but every morning i tell myself i'm just not
being friendly or steping out of my "little protective
case" but everytime i go back i realisize its not my
fault. its just not my fault!! if they stepped out of
their world they would realise i'm not shy just
uncomfortable!!! yes they love me, and yes they do care
and are my friends but its a distant friendship. ones that
wont stay true for longer than a month after school ends.
for example, (school!) hannah and danielle were really
tight during waldorf and they said they would be friends
forever and grow old being friends. but only a year after
waldorf ended, danielle is avoiding hannah and hannah
doesnt want to be friends any more!

friendships at my school, at least with me, are just that;
friendships. and they are there to fill the sudbrook years
and arnt deeper than a foot. do u get me? i mean, sure
we're friends and we hang out, but its not a deep and
everlasting friendship. not one that will go on forever.

whereas with me and suziQ i think our friendship is very
deep and flowing. we're "soul sisters" and theres nothing
stronger than that. we probably could stay for longer than
weeks together. but if i had to live on an island i
couldnt stay with selena or gabby or even kayla maybe. but
i dont kno this. jenny is a true friend i think. we grew
up together! but we're not bestfriends. kayla and i have
known eachother for 3 years but we are just friends. i
dont think we will contact each other after sudbrook.

but the reason why i think jen and i are true friends is
because she is a true person. even tho jen has had her
problems and threats of suicide, she still is a solid
person. when i thought i didnt get into the musical, she
let me cry on her shoulder and told me i was good enough
and i got in. even though i didnt believe her, she was
there for me. she comforted me and that ment the world to
me. i have never felt pain like that before. and when it
happened she was there and excepted me with my pain. and i
love her so much for it. i cried hard when i learned that
she tried to kill herself. i cried because i think i knew
her pain and i cried for kayla because jen was her best
friend and how much she must hurt then too. but morally i
think i was crying for me because jen wanted more than
anything to die. i would miss her and would ach and the
world would have lost one of their few true and strong
friends. i was scared that i would only have one true
friend left after her. it scared me and i needed her. and
i still need her. tho she may not kno it, she is the world
and stars to me. her and suziQ. i dont think i could have
survived with her death.

even tho we dont do stuff together and we dont finish each
other's sentances, i feel a closeness and bond with her
because i have felt her pain. and i have felt her need to
die.


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