The Shadow of Myself
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2002-03-03 05:41:06 (UTC)

what will happen...

It amazes me how little I know.. and how much I try to
understand. I can't believe how hard I try to do things..
certain things in particular.

I've realized that maybe I try just a little too hard and
maybe I give just a little too much a little too often. I
take away the value of my own gifts because I give too
many. I don't want to be waiting around. I don't want to
keep looking for what is there.. what isn't there.. or what
could possibly be there if I try hard enough. The point
is.. I don't have control. It's not my job to have
control. In fact.. even though I feel frustrated when I
know I don't have control over something.. that's the time
when I'm most thankful to not be in control. That's when I
learn the most. That's when I see all the things that I
always try to pretend I don't notice.

I'm tired of dealing with hypotheticals. I don't know what
will happen. Nor can I really begin to explain what I want
to happen, because quite truthfully I don't know. I'm
allowed to not know things. I feel like I need to say that
aloud because I don't think I fully believe it. I want
to.. but that's the part I'm working on. Explanations are
over-rated.. and sometimes extremely painful to
understand. There are times when you wish you had never
gone far enough to hear the explaination but then again,
there are also times when hearing something gradifies your
desire to know so greatly, that you forget how bad it can
be sometimes.

There are a lot of things I could say but after a week of
thinking about what and how I do things, I've decided maybe
I won't say them. Maybe I'm not going to try as hard
because I want to see just how much weight I carry. Is
everything going to stop when I stop? Or will I notice how
equal everything is? I actually doubt things are equal.
Is anything every truly equal? I can't say that I really
would blame anyone for going with the flow once they see
how easy it is to do so. Whatever comes along with me
giving less and saying less, is going to be what and all I
needed to know the whole time. It might not be easy to
see.. or hear.. but the most important things that you need
to understand never are.