It's ok to be crazy
2002-03-02 09:55:26 (UTC)

i think i will just join the circus

i have a lot on my mind. i am at at a fork in the road. and
now i am just trying to figure out which way to go.
i am not happy. spiritually, socially, mentally i am not
happy. the one thing that brings me joy is jon and i don't
even know how stable that is.

i am not happy with school. i am afraid that when i made my
choice of what to do with my life. i chose something that
people would be impressed with. something that people would
say...oh wow you do that? but it isn't making me happy. i
am so sick of trying to please everyone else. my friends,
family, peers. all of it is just a pile of shit. i just
want to do something for myself, but it's too late now. i
am in too deep. my family won't let me quit an the bill
collectors will remind me every day of my bad choices.
i just wish i had time to rest. time to step back and
really think about what i want to do, but there is none of
that. it is all work and rush and there is no time to stop
and enjoy or even think about what you are doing.

i have been thinking a lot lately about my last week of
high school. the day before graduation the seniors go out
early for graduation practice. so we all went down to the
local coffee bean to relax. we were sitting outside sipping
our blended mochas, enjoying a warm so.cal june day talking
about how wonderful the restof our lives would be. sitting
outside of coffee shops enjoying the day with your friends.
now i look back and think bout how wrong we were.

i wish i had that kind of time, that kind of carelessness,
i wish i still had my friends.
God i am so tired.