hopelessly_passive

bored out of my mind
2002-03-02 07:57:40 (UTC)

there's nothing nice in my head.

i don't know i don't know i don't know what's wrong
lately. it's not that i'm so unhappy. i've been worse.
i've been so bad that i cannot speak, that i cannot move
nor think, can barely even breathe. i have been so bad that
blinking takes everything i have. i'm not that far gone.

but i can't feel a thing.

except

sometimes i am gripped with an unreasoning blind panic so
sharp that it becomes almost a paralysis that leaves me
kicking the walls to shake it off.

but usually lately. it's a relief not to have that frozen
feeling, of pain so cold that it aches. but flat is far
worse, in some ways. caged. yes.


i have a bottle of painkillers and a bottle of vodka. i'm
not going to do anything yet. but they're there.

this is cardboard. i am cardboard. i hate myself. it sounds too
simple. absurd. i deserve this.