Jashire

JashJournal
2002-03-02 05:12:52 (UTC)

A trip to remember?

Hay everyone, I know its been a bit sence I wrote in this.
Anyway its been an ok couple of weeks. I went to a lawyers
confereence in austin. Not too much to talk about, only
that i did totaly miss my friends OL. Simbaji is more than
growing on me. I don't know if that's a good or bad
thing. I love him so much...I know, I know. I know what I
said, I know what's happend. I'm a confused wreck. My
feeling never changed though. I don't know what to think I
guess. I know it will never work, though I wish, I SO WISH
it would. But I know.....

It isn't fair really. Too many things stop me from getting
a mate. If not my life, others that I truly do love, their
lives keep them away from ever being the love that I wish I
could have. I makes me so sad, cause I could never
tell him. Though I think I've droped many hints, I guess
my track record speeks for its self. I'm not good for
anyone.....

On a lighter note, I guess, Ben has found a love of hisown
and I am happy for him. He needed someone there, someone
that he could actualy touch and be with. I was holding him
back here, makeing him wait for something that would maybe
not have happend. I couldn't do that. He was haveing a
great time and who am I to stop him from haveing the best
time ever. He is a great guy and diserves the best.

Now...for me....I don't know. I don't see anything in the
imeadeate feauture in terms of mates. The one I'm thinking
of always, is already mated. that's kinda par for
the course for me. A great guy, someone I can confide in,
someone I love. Which still brings be back to worring.
You see in a bit he's going to be down here, and it scares
me. You see, mateing for me is...its a bond, a total bond
and I don't know if I'm going to be ready to share that
with someone that....that isn't going to really care about
that bond. Not that he dosen't want to, but he can't...he
just can't. And when he leavs here, there will just be
emptyness. I will stand there watching the plane leave,
knowing what we did...and there will be nothingness. I
will return to just being, my bond not with him. So why
have I agread to mate with him? I don't know, cause I love
him. But still, when he leaves, maybe never to even see me
again....what will I have done? I want this so badly, he
dosen't know how much I truly do love him, but I wonder if
I'm just waisting my time. Will I ever be #1 in someones
life? Will there ever be a time for me where I wouldn't be,
just someone to come and yiff then go? I don't know.....I
just don't.....




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