sweetaddiction

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Ezoic
2001-05-06 05:15:51 (UTC)

productive self-mutilation and other views on life

i got my nipple pierced today. =) my first piercing...hehe.
people think thats weird. how i have three tattoos and no
piercings, i dont even have my ears pierced. so, like a
very ashley-ish thing to do, i start with the most painful
lol. it was so funny i was like, "FUCKING WHAT THE FUCK"
cuz i didnt know it was going to hurt like it did. im
normally really good about pain. but shit man, lol. =) it
was cute though, the guy got me water and gave me
chocolate. =) he was sweet...
i view tattoos and piercing as a type of productive self
mutilation. and its crazy if you consider how many people
get them...i went through that phase when i was younger, of
hurting yourself. and now i have scars that wont ever go
away and its annoying. not something i would suggest. =)

this girl i have been seeing recently is getting really
annoying. its weird...you would think i would be the type
o' girl who would like someone who wanted to be around me
all the time. but for some reason. im not. not with her.
not with anyone recently actually. ive even been getting
annoyed with my bestest friends. its very strange...but
like, shes crazy. she like, called me FIVE times during the
span of me watching a movie. and like, she KNEW i was out
with my friends, which i rarely do anymore because im
always out with her. seriously. weve been together for
about a month. and during that month there has been ONE
night that i didnt spend with her. and she got all sorts of
depressed that night. and last night, she got all bitchy
because my bestfriend, the one who got kicked out of his
house, was with us. and she apparently wanted "alone" time
or whatfuckingever. and she had the audacity to tell me
that she didnt feel comfortable around him because he was
too "negative" and talked about sex too much. LOL. yeah.
okay. no. im a very protective person when it comes to my
friends and peope that i love. and bitch pissed me off. i
was all like, oh hell no. lol. i was SO mad. and i was
like, well if you feel uncomforatble like you say you do, i
think that you should leave. i need time to talk to
him...i mean she EXPECTED me to ditch my bestfriend, who
has no home or family now, for her. because she was upset.
it made me so mad. it was so insensitive. grrrr. im an
angry girl. and it takes a lot to get me angry. im a very
laid back person...you know what my friend said to me
yesturday?? "no, what DID your friend say to you yesturday,
Ashley?" =), he was like "its so cool that youve been
through all this shit, and like, you came out to your
parents and the world when you were 13 and all that other
shit with drugs and rape and everything. and youre still so
sweet and cool, id think youd like hate the world by now
and be a bitter person" and i was like AW that so sweet.
=). hes such a nice boy. he has manners. its hard to find a
guy like that. owww my boob hurts. lol. its so sad. i was
like, walking around today in public with only a sweater
jacket on lol. no bra or anything. it was so funny. and i
came back home with my guy friend and i was like walking
around completly topless like ow owo owowowow. he was so
sweet. he was like, awwww lol. and we fell asleep together.
hes so great =) i love the fact that like, we can be so
close and theres not any sexual tension...like. weve had
sex before. but, yeah, ive had sex with the majority of my
friends...ive had sex with 11 people all together. which is
more than usual for the average 17 year old girl i
suppose...but two werent on purpose. those are the scary
ones though. unprotected. and boys. men actually. old dirty
men. with beerbellys. blah. but i got tested and the tests
all came back negative. thank god. i dont know if i could
deal with that...having some strange std. no. especially
not if i got it that way. but no, i suppose life would go
on...just differently. yeah, this girl is annoying me. im
tlaking to her online right now. and shes all suicidal and
shit. i HATE it when people fuck around with that shit.
like when they are all like, "oh well im more suicidal than
thou" or whatever. lol. its pathetic. and when people talk
about it in general its weird for me. because i know people
whove done that shit, and i really dont want to think about
it. you know. shes all like, oh well im so depressed
lalalala. im sorry. but if people are depressed and
whatever, they dont discuss it on a regular basis. most of
the time theyre in denial for awhile. grrrr. i must sound
really cruel. its also like...shes had no real pain in her
life. you know. shes lived the happy little mid-upper white
class life. she doesnt have a stressful job. but shes about
to quit it anyway. she doesnt go to school. you know...and
shes SO sad and depressed. but, about what exactly?? about
drama going on in her life. about oh well, blahblah said
this but i KNOW it was blahblah and im sooo mad, GR. its
irratation. why am i even messing around with her? its
becuase im bored. why do any of us get into
relationships??? i mean, honestly. we all like search our
WHOLE lives for love. but why. i dont get it. whats the
point. to keep us entertained? people bore me. theyre
stupid. we do pretty retarded things if you think about it.
even this, what im doing right now. lol. what IS a
computer?? a weird thing with like microchips or whatever
lol. sigh...does any one understand what im saying? am i
crazy?? and why do peopl espend the majority of their lives
doing things that they dont want to do. like, working. and
going to school. you know. people go to school so they can
get jobs, people get jobs so they can get money, people get
money so they can do things they want to do, but by the
time you get to that, youre already bitter and old. you
know...isnt it fucked up that like, we're all told oh no no
you cant have sex as a teenager. celibacy. yeah. and like,
your teenage years are the times when by natures laws you
SHOULD be having sex and birthing children. its the time
when you sex drive is the highest and youre physically the
most attractive. you know...but we as a people have changed
that for some weird reason. its so crazy if you think about
it. it all is.


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