This is the beloved air I breathe
2002-03-01 21:22:20 (UTC)

Everything I need

It's been an interesting last couple of days.
First I must say that I am still operating on very little
sleep, which isn't good, but everytime I sit down to take a
nap, I end up getting interrupted.

I have been learning about Grace recently. It's so easy to
get started thinking about what we deserve and what we are
entitled to. On the surface we may be right, but if we
really sit down and ponder things, taking into
consideration the bigger issue, we realize that there is
absolutely nothing on this earth that we deserve.

God has given us Grace. I am able to go to heavan not by
anthing that I do...not because I am ...ANYTHING, but
simply because of his grace. He gives us what we don't
deserve. That in itself is enough to make me so grateful
for every breath that I take, because the very reason that
I'm taking that breath is because of Jesus. But when good
things continue to occur in our lives, something starts to
happen. We get stuck in this comfortable mode where we
begin to get so used to things getting good that we begin
to expect it and maybe even after a little while feel that
we are entitled to it. "After all, I've worked this
hard... I deserve a little something for myself". Please
don't take that literally. I think that taking a little
time out for yourself is a good thing; I encourage it,
actually, but when we get stuck in that mentality our
perspectives start to change and our focus begins to get a
little out of whack.

We can see this clearly in the example of the homeless
man. We have a man who has nothing, let's call him Fred.
Fred is simply looking for food to keep him alive at this
point. Some person walking by comes and buys him lunch and
Fred is so grateful. "oh, thank you so much!" Fred says "I
don't know how I can ever repay you". "don't worry about
it says the man, my pleasure. As a matter of fact, if you
meet me in this spot everyday at this time, I'll buy you
lunch from here on in, and make sure you are never worried
about food". Wow! Fred thinks "This is amazing!!
after a couple of months the man and Fred become friends
and fred begins to fall into the comfort of having that
food there every day. Fred is still grateful, and he knows
that the only reason he is eating is because of this mans
generosity, but he comes to expect that meal there every
day. After about a year of things, Fred's friend dies and
Fred comes to find out that his frend was a multi-
millionaire, adn he has left everythint to Fred. Fred gets
a nice house and nice clothes and all nice things, and of
course is always consious to recognize his friend who has
been so generous to him over the years. After years of
living the comfortable lifestyle fred begins to forget what
things were like for him before. He grows to expect all
the things in life that money can buy and may even feel
entitled to it. " Look where I was before, and look how
good I have done for myeslf". Fred begins to get upset
when food isn't prepared the right way, when somebody does
something the wrong way, etc...
When we phrase it like that it's easy to think "wow, Fred
had nothing, and through the generosity of some man and a
little luck he had everything. He has no right to complain
about little stuff, cause he could just as easily be back
on the streets looking for shelter and starving". It's so
easy to see it in other people, but why can't we see it in
What happens when I say I am no better than Fred.
I had nothing. I was spiritually starving. The very
depths of my soul were crying out for love and I could not
find it. I was going no where in my life and my eternity
was death. Through the generosity of God, I inherited
everything. I inherited life here on earth, and also after
death. I inherited the strength to be able to make it
through each day. I have the privelege to be able to pray
to on one communication with the creator of the
universe!! And still I sit here and complain when things
don't go my way. The audacity of me!!

I came back from somewhere I had been last night with a
group of friends and "he" was there too. Over the course
of the past week I had been thinking about him a lot, and I
was comming to expect the interaction that I had grown to
love. I had been becomming more confident in the fact that
things were going to end up in a relationship someday.
Last night I came back and sat down with my journal and
just wrote about how I was frustrated. "If only I could
have a sign" my hear cried out as I wrote down the words of
my frustration in my journal. "I want this, but it's all
so confusing". I began to re-play over in my mind the
interaction between us noting times when he seemed a little
short or when he responded differently than I had expected.
I just ended up with tears in my eyes saying "God, God ,
please God, I need you God". It was then that I realized
in the excitement of my assurance in what this guy and I
had I had been neglecting God. I was getting so excited
about things, and I began to think "I AM attractive". It's
ME that he's attracted to. That is true to a point, but I
can't let myself forget that the very reason that he is (or
may be) attracted to me is because of Jesus. The very
reason he knows me is because I decided when I moved on
campus that I was going to get in a Christian group, and
he's in it. Had we both decided not to get involved in
that group, we never would have met. We were both heeding
the calling of Jesus on each of our hearts.
Through my frustration God spoke to my heart. I ran to my
favorate scripture Psalm 139. It talks about how God has
ordained all of my days before one of them ever came to
be. also a verse is "search me o God and know my heart,
test my anxious thoughts, see if there is any offensive way
in me and lead me in the way everlasting". Wow, that's good
I didn't realize until I started typing this today what God
realy was doing.
I am humbled to know that even in my selfishness God is
still there. When we make requests to God, when we make
DEMANDS of God, He's there. That's such an awesome thing.
We don't deserve any of it, but he welcoms our requests and
I am not worried about what's going to happen with this boy
and I. I do love him, but so does Jesus and He will work
things out so that they are best for both of us.
I am content with God. I am thankful for God.
I am reminded of His grace.
Grace is when we get something that we don't deserve.

When my dad paid for my car to get fixed, I was like "dad,
I can't pay you back, my thanks isn't enough" and he
said "well that's what Grace is." It's a simple tangible
example. Jesus has bestowed grace on us, and all we have
to do is joyfully and humbly accept it.