humming bird

my F***ed up head
2002-03-01 20:24:24 (UTC)

complicated bullshit blows

i am serioulsy going to go insane... i just am getting to
the point of where i dont know how the hell to deal with
all this... i am like smoking or drinking alot just to keep
myself level and that isnt even a real level but i mean,
i'm not myself anymore.... i get the worst moodswings ever
and the thing is like when i'm drinking or smoking then i'm
normal but like if i'm not then it fluctuates and it isnt
that i've become dependent on smoking or drinking so that i
like go thru withdrawl cuz i mean i dont do i that
much..only on the weekends becuz during school i focus on
school and after school i sleep but i mean i fricken burst
out crying in math yesterday becuz we had a pop quiz and i
didnt know how to do it and my teacher told me to like go
to the bathroom or go get a drink or go get food or
sometihng but to just stop crying becuz he couldnt handle
it becuz i've always been one of his better students, i'm
like happy one moment totally silent the next pissed ass
hell another moment or crying my eyes out... its not
right... and its just becuz i've been dealing with this
stupid ass jason thing for a month and there is absolutely
no stability in it at all..i mean with hank yeah we fought
and stuff but i maen i always knew that at the end of the
day he was still gonna love me... and thats part of it to
is that i saw hank yesterday for the first time in like 2
montsh and it all came back and i miss him and i know it
but then theres jason and hank told me that he still feels
the same for me and its been three months i just, i dont
know what to doi want to be with jason i know that but i
mean if it isnt gonna happen soon then i know that it isnt
gonna happen at all and i dunno i'm just crazy but i gotta