The Humor in Drama
2002-03-01 18:52:59 (UTC)

I'm a stupid human

What is knowledge worth, versus feeling needed?


Knowledge is permanent.
Feeling needed is temporary.


Knowledge leaves itself open ends to build and improve
upon. It creates a greater base to understand more. The
more you know, the more that is available for you to learn.


Feeling needed means valuing another person's dependence on
what they percieve you to be. When you are needed, they
percieve you as a good thing. If you find them credulous
and attractive enough to care about what they percieve
about you, you percieve them as a good thing.

If you percieve someone as a good thing, and they percieve
you as a good thing, you use their opinion of you to
convince yourself you are a good thing.

Perhaps we feel the need for intimacy with others to feel
like someone cares. THAT gives us our worth.

Sadly, that means that if the person you find worth in
stops caring about you, the worth you find in yourself
through the perception of the other person is gone.

And you feel shitty again.


So I go around feeling shitty until I have reason to
believe that some girl likes me.
Then, if she meets the marks, I'll think about persuing her.
If she doesn't, I use her (perceived) crush on me as ego
fuel until I find someone I like.
When I do find someone I like, the world falls into place
for about a week. after that, slow degression into the
shitty feeling again until
a) I dump her because I don't care about being cared about,
b) She dumps me for any number of reasons, including, but
not limited to: Finding someone else, Needing a break, Not
working out, etc.

I follow this loop without thinking about why I do it.

I have become no better person since I began dating.

For a 1:1 shot here, let me throw some more perspective
counts down.

Before I had my first girlfriend, I could accept rejection.
I freaking prepared for it. Not only that, but I had no
reason to believe that I would find a girlfriend, and thus
no false hope to sustain it.


False hope

Hope...positive speculation.

Hope is the one thing a logical human never needs. It can
be a massively destructive force to real perceptions.

Before I dated, I didn't have hope. I guess I did, but I
recognized it as false hope. I knew that positive
speculation, in the end, only leads to disappointment.

But I continue to have hope...

...especially now that I have a basis for by ability to
have a girlfriend. The people I dated were attractive on my
terms, and I succeeded in having some kind of relationship
with them.

Now hope that I find another girl can't be killed-- logic
says I will find another girl. Stats, actually, say that my
chances are about 9:35, or a bit over 1 out of 4.

I'm batting about .257 right now, and that isn't bad. This
is exactly the reason hope is dangerous-- it even has
numerical basis now.

Whatever, we've figured out that I think about girls too
much. Back to the main point.


Relationships have added to my cynicism, my hate for the
irrational, and my anti-social behavior.
But why?
Because at the end of each one, I drew out blaming myself
or the other person. I didn't LEARN anything. I didn't
become easier around people; I didn't become easier to talk
to. I close up. Relationships teach me that relationships
aren't worth it.

And this is what I'll say until I stumble into another one.

By then, though, I'll claim it as the best thing that's
ever happened to me.

FUCK MY HUMANITY, becuase it really doesn't know what it

I want to be by itself, but I want others to care.
I want to be attractive, but I want to "be myself".
I want to be outgoing, but I want to quietly observe.

We live without knowing anything, and we'll die knowing
nothing more.