2002-03-01 17:57:02 (UTC)

to do or not to do

wow! so, i think the last time i wrote, i mentioned the
fact that i've discovered the "we" in life. most of all,
the "we" in my relationship with scottie. but, also with
the "we's" of my life. the friends and family that i can
lean on when needed.

lois and i went out and did a whole day of shopping,
talking and make-overs. it was great! the first guy who
did the make-over, was very good. the foundation was good
and so was the eye make-up. everything was very subtle.
nothing over stated. i think men know more of what to do
with a woman's face, because their the ones that are
interested in looking!

while shopping, i stopped over at the jewelry store. found
a ring that i would like for a wedding band. GOD! i can't
believe i'm even contemplating marrying him! what a
struggle to get through! i haven't wanted to marry a man,
ever! even when doug and i were married! i still didn't
want to get married. even when i was wearing the ring! i
still didn't want to marry. not even when i had met his
whole family and made the announcement in the scottburg
news paper in indiana! i still didn't really want to get
married. so, what's up now?

i guess it's because of all the things that scott and i
have been through together. he isn't the man to abandon
me. we've been through some very tough things. the
abortion, two separations, living together, another woman
and another man. so, i gues that makes for alot of shit!
but, it's also because it feels right. for the first time,
i can honestly sit down and say that he's the man of my
dreams. that he's the one that i'm destined to spend the
rest of my life with. he's the man of my universe. he's
it! and, it's everything in my will power to make it all
right. dr. s, asked me what are some of the reasons that i
would like to marry scottie. and, those reason were:
because he makes me smile when he calls. because, i save
his messages on my phones just to hear his voice. because,
i want to grow and explore and travel and experience life
with this man. he and i compliment each other sooo well.
and, it isn't as if the two of us are new to this
relationship. we aren't! we've been in this for the last
three years together. and, it doesn't bother me, his
irritating little habits and nuances. it's part of him and
i love him still. so, the ring? it's sort of this vine
twist in white gold with diamonds.

the question then is: do i propose to him? it isn't as if
we haven't talked about getting married. maybe what we
need to do is sit down and think about getting married. i
mean, really sit down and talk about it. do i have the
balls to do something like that? yep! i just know that
he's the type that would rather propose. it's something
that's traditional for him. can i wait? the thing is that
i know that long distance relationships don't work. so,
what's to keep us together? besides our love for each
other? an engagement?