The Story of Me
2002-03-01 14:45:47 (UTC)

Four Days

Yup, 4 days and counting. I think I am going to go nuts.
Every day since Tuesday, I have been SERIOUSLY contemplating
a trip to the clinic here in town for a test. Why don't I
go? Well, the hCG injection they gave me to induce
ovulation may give us an inaccurate result, and/or it may be
too early to detect. Frank is so sure the test will come
back positive. I'm scared to be so certain. As the day
gets closer, I get more and more nervous. "What if the test
comes back negative? How am I going to handle that? Am I
going to fall apart? What about Frank? It's going to hurt
I know it. Will I have the drive to keep going? Will I be
emotionally able to try again?"

And then there is the part tugging at me. "It's going to be
positive. Please God let it be positive. What if I
miscarry? Could I deal with that again?"

This is torture. I swear.

There are nine aides where I work that are pregnant.
Everyone's due dates are within two months of each other.
We joked last night, "There is going to be nobody working
here in 7 months. They are all going to be on maternity

Then Barb was talking about moving back to Texas. I just
adore Barb!! That Texas drawl cracks me up, especially when
you hear it saying something witty:) Barb is a doll. So
anyway, we were talking at report last night and Barb was
telling us about her trip back to Texas and Denise *the
nurse* said, "Barb, you can't leave. We don't like anyone
else we work with!" We all laughed because we did have a
bad mix of staff on last night. Then Denise said, "Fine,
you go. Mindy and I will have that baby on our own!"

My heart stopped. My co-workers. They are paying attention
and I matter to them. Some of them anyway. They are
cheering for me. And she said, "Baby." I'm just, I dunno,
soooo incredibly hopeful. It is terrifying to want
something this much. Especially after Dana. Dana was the
one I told you about that had tried everything to get
pregnant. In her thirties and wants so desperately to have
children. She got pregnant in December. And she lost her
baby 2 weeks ago. My heart just aches for her because I
KNOW that disappointment. I know that pain, because as of
February, the baby I lost would have been 4 years old. One
year younger than my little nephew. It was awful. I used
to babysit him and hold him all night. I'd cry when I held
him and think about my baby. I'd fall asleep in the
recliner with him bundled in my arms and when my sister
would get home, she'd see my swollen eyes and knew exactly
what they were for. She too, lost her first baby. To this
day, I hold Luke and look upon him as part of me. I have
been so much a part of his life ever since he was a baby. I
have done daycare for him the last two years and that has
helped dull the ache of being childless, but that ache never
went away. Now he's getting ready to start school next
fall, and I will see him less. He's growing up and I'm
really going to miss having his company. I only hope I can
fill that void with a child of my own. Four Days, God.
Please, don't let my heart be disappointed.